CanadaGuy passed through London over the weekend and while I didn’t get a chance to see him, we spoke at length via the phone.
One topic of conversation was Basherter. He actually knows him and had guessed his real identify based on a few snippets of information when I mentioned having a crush earlier this year. But in that I was trying to protect Basherter’s privacy, I denied that he had guessed correctly.
That all changed yesterday as I really wanted to get a man’s perspective on the situation. So I apologised to CanadaGuy for misleading him and then spilled my guts.
He had heard snippets before, but not the full story. And after yapping on for some time, he advised me to discontinue being so hard on msyelf and suggested that I get on a plane and go visit Basherter because there’s something there — a genuine connection.
That may be, but there is no way in hell that I’m going to chase a man who is unavailable in all sense of the word. I have already given him way too much of myself. Way, way too much.
I did so because whereas others like AirportGuy made me feel guilty for asking questions about his past, Basherter was quite transparent. He volunteered information.
Heck, in our first real conversation which lasted two hours, without me even asking, he told me about the breakdown of his marriage and the circumstances surrounding it. He continued to tell me things about himself without me always having to ask questions.
That was quite refreshing and to some degree caused me to lose myself to him. I trusted him. And in many ways, he helped to restore my faith in men. I felt extremely comfortable and wanted to share my hopes, dreams, secrets, everything about myself with him.
Initially in the partner sort of way and then the friend kind of way. Sure I struggled in my head with adjusting, but I persevered because I found it refreshing to speak to someone who understood so easily that which I was trying to achieve.
So if it’s not just the distance but his own insecurities in measuring up to my expectations as CanadaGuy suggested that may have caused him to backtrack and place me in the friend bucket, that’s really unfortunate.
But as I’ve said before, enough now. I can’t do it anymore. Definitely not under these circumstances.