No More Dancing With Ghosts
The tears didn’t come on Saturday night as I was so shocked by RacquetBallGuy’s decision that I went numb. After seven years of the chase, here he was telling me that he didn’t want to continue anymore. I was dumbfounded and defiant. I wasn’t going to shed anymore tears. I was just going to accept and move on.
Then Sunday night came and I was a basket case after he walked through the door from the game. He said how much he missed me and wished I had been there with him. After all, it was an outing he had planned for both of us.
Furthermore, he wanted to know if there was anything he could do to make it right. He basically wanted to take back what he had said the night before because he loved me and didn’t want to be in London without me.
But even though the tears started to come, my defiance continued. I thought, how could I trust this man who had once again, given up at the first hurdle. What would really happen if things got truly difficult? So even though he kept asking, I kept saying no.
Then this morning, I felt different but I couldn’t bring myself to articulate it. Not without taking a shower first; actually a bath. But before I could get out of the bath properly he said he was leaving. He was going to take an early flight home. I was dumbfounded and stunned into silence.
And by the time I got dressed and came downstairs, he was gone. Not even a proper goodbye. So I decided to call him. I wanted him to come back and said as much, but he wasn’t budging. He wanted to go home and think things through.
I said that if he didn’t he could consider us finished for good. I wasn’t going to wait another 6 months for him, not with this kind of goodbye. Also, I didn’t want to receive any more calls or emails from him. My saying this, made no difference and the tears came. And after haning up, I texted him quite a few times and to my astonishment no response.
And so my readers that’s that — the end; truly, this time! And I hereby declare that I will: “Stop dancing with ghosts. Yesterday is dead: [i will] bury it and be done with it!”
Enough with the roller coaster ride. It’s not fun anymore. It’s stopped being fun a long time ago which is why it’s all been so difficult. So I need to be strong so that the next time he calls (he will), I ignore and stick to the decision I’ve made here today. Done is done!