I’ve been thinking that a good shag would cure most of what is currently wrong with me. It would at least go a long way towards wiping from my memory my last experience where I inadvertly paid for it. Yup! You read that right. I was still going out with Racquetball Guy, and despite the fact that we talked every day, he was keeping his distance. I had my own issues to deal with, and in that I am not one to force myself on others, I didn’t push the issue of us meeting up. In any event, one night he invites himself over. I remember vividly as I had a Michigan Club meeting that night and so we didn’t actually meet up until quite late. Once we got to my place, we had what I will describe as awkward sex. My heart really wasn’t it in, but I thought it might help us reconnect. Shortly thereafter, he asked me to borrow money that has yet to be repaid. This was not the first time. So I am mighty grieved about the whole situation because he didn’t even spend the night and the way it played out, I now view it as the defining moment in our relationship. It made me realize that despite what he said or problems he tried to hide behind, his actions clearly demonstrated that he didn’t really love me and I needed to move beyond the fantasy.
I try not to think about these events from the past, but more and more they pop up in my head and send my emotions in a downward spiral. I feel completely used and taken advantage of. And since I’m being completely honest, I feel somewhat ashamed by the whole situation. Plus it has made me completely question my judgement when it comes to men. Thus the current thought that it might be good to hook up with someone – you know, clear the air and maybe, just maybe get me to stop thinking that all men are evil and have ill intentions. However, in that I’m not into one night stands or even sex with people I know but am not in a relationship with, I really don’t see that happening. So this is where I’m at. Trying desperately to let go of the memories since I really don’t want him back, but still feeling quite angry about the whole situation.
Goodness! I think I need to plan another European city break. Travelling always helps! So maybe I’ll have to lock down a trip to Paris or Rome sometime soon.