Thank goodness the day is almost over. I feel like an emotional wreck. Plus I’m feeling really tired. Tired of having to be strong all the time. Tired of always having to be the sensible one. Tired of having to be so adult about everything. Tired of doing what is expected. I just darn tired of almost everything around me. Particularly because while I know I have so much going for me, I continue to feel so empty inside. It’s hard to explain, but this is what I’m feeling. I’m even frustrating myself by writing about it because lately I feel like I just complain and don’t really do anything to fix “the problem.” Worse yet, I have those moments (days and months really), where I pretend that all is well is my world. Yet these feelings of emptiness always creep back. Nothing really seems to fill the void. Not shopping, not food, not even my books.
Having Choo-Choo helps, but you can’t really carry on a conversation with a cat, can you now? I am on better terms with both of my sisters which helps tremendously, but we each have our share of issues, that it’s hard to talk to them sometimes. I also have my friends, but it’s hard for me to open up. There are very few people outside of family that I trust completely. Granted I know they would be supportive, as they have been in the past, but what I yearn for, what I long for is my mother. I know it’s not healthy to yearn for someone not among the living, but I can’t help it. I try and move on, yet it always comes back to this. All of these emotions were stirred up again for me when I heard that my coworker passed away. I wasn’t particularly close to her. She was in accounting and I am in sales. But the unexpectedness of it all is shocking. She was only a couple years older. So it makes me think about my mother who also died way too young. It makes me think about the void in my life. When she passed, I said I was going to try and lead a fuller life but in that I got caught up with trying to raise my younger sister, it was more about survival. Now that I’m on my own, I really don’t know what to do with myself. Part of me wants to take all these risk, but I play it safe because I’m afraid of the uncertainty. Arrhh! Why does life have be so difficult? Hmmmm!
February 25, 2004 at 3:15 am
I’ve heard about people who lost their mothers experiencing this emptiness that never seems to go away.
I have no words of wisdom for you…except maybe you can still talk to her even though she isn’t physically in front of you.
Do you ever visit her site (cemetary) and just talk?
My bio mom is not dead but I was away from her for 30 years…I know it’s not the same thing…but the void was there. There just is no replacement for your mom.
I hope that by remembering her positive attributes, you will find strength and one day, find an inner peace when you realize that your mother never really left you.
February 24, 2004 at 5:36 am
I’ve chosen to use a therapist to help be able to talk about alot of things like you’ve mentioned and I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been.
Just having someone to talk to who won’t judge you, has no expectations of you is very freeing.
I watched “Somethings gotta give” at the w/e and in part of it the Mother character turns to her 32 yr old daughter (who decided that not letting anyone into her life was the best way to protect herself from hurt) and says something like;
“I ask you this from the bottom of my heart, What are you waiting for?”
That’s really stuck with me, what am I waiting for?
February 24, 2004 at 12:54 am
*clapping* brava. i’m clapping because you managed to put into words how i feel and have been feeling for quite some time now.
i won’t say i know exactly how you feel because we are 2 separate individuals with different experiences, but it is my belieg that within differences lie similarities. i don’t long for my mom nor do i have anyone i trust 100% besides me. but i do know how it feels to be empty and unfulfilled like something important and perhaps fundemental is missing.
you know the email addresses and aim id so use them. i’m a good listener / reader. 😀