I was going to do a write-up of my birthday yesterday, but really what is there to tell beyond the fact that I went to the movies to see Bridesmaids (not very funny!). This was followed by browsing some of my favourite London bookstores and then having a very yummy dinner at Coq d’Argent. So a good day all around, but years from now I wouldn’t deem it entirely memorable.
What is more memorable and pressing to note is that I am no longer speaking with Basherter.
Things came to a head today via our conversation on Skype. Much to my disappointment he hadn’t acknowledged my birthday yesterday and now here he was offering belated birthday greetings.
I then decided to use the opportunity to ask him to clarify/confirm something I’d viewed on his Facebook page earlier in the week. Basically, it had suggested he might be engaged. Now considering we typically speak several times a week for an extended period, I was rather surprised that I didn’t know of a girlfriend never mind wife-to-be!
He said I was mistaken. And as the note was no longer there and was originally written by someone else, I just let it be because I trust him. Perhaps foolishly, but he’s been quite honest throughout our rekindled friendship so really, I had no reason to doubt him.
That said, what this whole episode made me realise is that as much as I was trying to be a big girl about things, I still had a crush and I was finding it quite complex to be his friend. And so it was probably best to take a break from the friendship. Unlike other people, I find it difficult to turn off my “like” for someone if I continue to regularly speak to them and oh yeah the conversations provide intellectual stimulation.
You see because the flirting had stopped, it had forced us to talk about a whole host of other things. Thus, the connection for me was stronger despite the fact that I agreed with him that a long distance relationship was impractical and unwise.
Thus for him, it was just fun and games. In fact, he basically told me that our conversations–often several times a week — weren’t all that special about a month ago. Apparently he had similar conversations with other women. I was baffled and wondered how the hell he found the time as most of our chats were lengthy.
In the middle of this devastating news which made me just want to end it then and there, we got talking about a number of things which caused me to see value in the friendship and then decide to continue on. Foolish me!
Yes I questioned the sanity of my decision but I wasn’t strong enough to hold my ground. But I did wonder, more and more, what I getting out of the relationship? It appeared to be all one sided. His needs were being met as the focus was mostly on him and his project — but mine wasn’t. Plus I was too available to him.
And not only was he physically unavailable, but in many ways, he was emotionally unavailable. He has been married before and with two near teenage children isn’t really looking to do the family thing again.
Also, while I was providing lots of marketing input on a personal project he was trying to get off the ground — which caused him to further stroke my ego, it just left me feeling empty because his offer of friendship wasn’t enough. It never would be enough. I had put him in the beyond the friendship box and despite my best effort to downgrade, I was finding it near impossible.
So really, I needed take a break from our budding friendship of 8months – a very long break and I surprised myself for admitting as much.
This revelation led him to accuse me of faking our friendship these last few months – but really I hadn’t been. I’d been genuinely trying to view him in a different light. And I was succeeding to some degree.
However, because of what I saw on his page and his declaration that even with our closeness if he did get engaged again I might still find out on Facebook like everyone else, I just decided to throw my hands up and call it for what it was.Because really, this wasn’t an honest friendship and I wanted to go into operation UB survival. Partly because my usual way of dealing with this sort of thing is to cry it out and then erase the person from memory. To continue on in this fashion was just torment.
It is for this reason why I don’t memorise people’s phone numbers, enforce the no contact rule and will delete people from being my friend on Facebook. Perhaps extreme, but it’s how I cope. Particularly as I am more in tune with what I want and so when I’m done, I’m done. I don’t need the constant reminder about what could have been.
Plus, to linger would be detrimental — especially now that RacquetballGuy has reappeared and wants to give our relationship another go. Of course, he needs to lock down a transfer to London and oh yeah, we need to talk out a whole of issues.
But whatever happens with that, I know I need to distance myself and stop investing so much time with people like Basherter (who hasn’t turned out to be much of a soul mate) who are simply incapable or don’t wish to offer me that which I truly desire.