A Special Report
The British newspaper the Guardian conducted a special report on whether or not we’re seeing the real President Bush.
Most of those who regularly monitor Mr Bush’s speech patterns believe that it was the genuine article who spoke at Central Command HQ in Florida yesterday, pointing to a characteristic tendency toward quasi-biblical phrasing – “There will be a day of reckoning for the Iraqi regime, and that day is drawing in near” – and an almost total absence of words of more than three syllables.
Other experts disagree, pointing out that these consistencies originate with speech writers rather then the president himself, and that Bush’s main vocal technique – the bewildered pause – is only too easy to imitate.
Several observers noted that the president’s eyes seemed too close together; others believed them to be too far apart (when viewed on a 21in TV screen, you shouldn’t be able to fit a pound coin between them, according to one rule of thumb). It is telling, they say, that Mr Bush made his first appearance in front of combat service personnel, none of whom are likely to have known him closely during his days with the Texas National Guard.
So if it’s not him, who is it? Some experts suspect that this might be a heretofore unknown Bush brother, a family sleeper who has been groomed to step in at times of crisis, or even George Bush Sr on his first outing following a recent toupee fitting and a course of Botox injections. .