Via a friend on Facebook, I came across this quote:
"If I am amazing, I won't be easy. If I am easy, I won't be amazing. If I am worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy."
This nicely sums up my journey so far with finding a suitable partner.
Fuck! The heart wants, what the heart wants. Oh so annoying. I mean, why else do I continue to dream about MrFixIt Guy?
Seriously, I want and need to be SO OVER that situation.
He's not the one. I know that.
Hopefully, my new distraction will make these continued dreams go away.
What distraction am I speaking of?
Well towards the end of all the madness with MrFixIt Guy, on advice of BestGuyFriend and others, i joined eharmony.co.uk.
I'd been thinking about it before I started dating him, but now that the situation was over in such a disasterous manner, I realised that I needed to focus on finding someone that was truly compatible.
Eharmony.co.uk seem like the best option out of all the dating sites. And I've been a paying member since the end of June.
So far I've engaged in email dialogue with a few gentlemen, but every time it got to the stage of talking via the phone, I bolted.
Then MrPropertyDeveloper appeared two weeks ago. I almost didn't response to his request to begin communication, but I thought -- what the hell? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Since then, things have progressed and we are now communicating via the phone. In fact, we've had two intense conversations. The first lasted 2 hours; the second lasted 5 hours.
Based on these talks, he sounds ideal perfect but I'll reserve judgement until we meet. There is talk of a date sometime this week. So we'll see. He just might be everything I am truly looking for -- he is successful, smart, educated, cultured, honest, sincere, good looking, etc. More importantly, he gets me. He really gets me!
I dreamt about MrFixIt Guy again.
This time the dream wasn't so pleasant.
In the dream he sent an email indicating that we were over!
Reason being that he was financially broke (not sure what this has to do with anything) and that he was dating another woman.
Interestingly, it wasn't the same woman he's currently linked to on Facebook.
Either way, it was all rather unsettling.
But perhaps on some level this is me coming to terms that it's definitely over!
I spoke with Racquetball Guy today.
Why? Well I broke down and phoned him last night and he returned the call today.
Yeah, I know the situation is somewhat toxic, but after the whole MrFixIt Guy situation, I found it comforting to speak to him. He understands me. Plus he can handle my directness.
That said, have no fear, we are not getting back together. It's just a new attempt at friendship. Only time will tell if that's even possible.
Oh, in case your wondering about Racquetball's health, well he is feeling a bit more optimistic these days. As he recently consulted with a new set of doctors and an operation is planned for early August. So fingers crossed it will be a success.
I've been trying desperately not to think about MrFixIt Guy and I'm failing miserable.
I just don't understand. We only dated for a short while. Perhaps it was the intensity of it all that still captivates me.
Perhaps its the fact that my 40th birthday is approaching and I was hoping that we would celebrate together.
Anyway, I woke up this morning dreaming about him.
I was in a room surrounded by people. He comes in; walks direct towards me and gives me a big kiss on the lips.
It was as if he was telling the world that we belonged to each other.
There was much hugging and affection. We were back together.
Perhaps all just a bit of wishful thinking.
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
-- Maya Angelou
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
-- Maya Angelou
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-- Maya Angelou
My new favourite show on the BBC is the Rev. I'll explain in a seperate post but for now, just get acquainted:
Post break-up, social media tools like Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Flickr, etc all have the ability to turn you into a stalker.
You don't need to call, email, text or God forbid go around your ex partner's house to know what's happening in their lives -- all you need to do is remain friends through these social media channel.
This of course delays the healing process which is not ideal. As such, I have cut ties to MrFixIt Guy through these various channels.
Perhaps in time we can become Facebook friends again, but for the time being its best to rid myself of the temptation to waste more time reading status updates and looking at pictures that are just going to get me all riled up!
I said I wasn't going to dwell on matters related to MrFixIt Guy anymore, but something happened this evening together that makes me question the entire relationship. Here is a chronology of how things developed:
2008
We reconnect via Facebook and rekindle friendship via numerous chats, emails and phone calls. However, as we live in two different cities, we never meet.
2009
22 December: He confesses that he likes me in a romantic sense. I'm somewhat surprised, but then again, not really.
2010
1st May: We reconnected face to face at a BBQ in Birmingham
14th May: He visits me in London
15th May: Professes his undying love for me
After, we talk excessively about the future and make plans to see each other again but due to him being away on business for 10 days this is delayed
5th June: 2nd weekend visit cancelled as he gets sick while on business trip
12th June: I visit him in Leicester
14th June: Conversation regarding goals/values - major doubts arise
19th June: Attempts to sort matters ends in a break up
26th June: 2nd Attempt to reconcile ends in disaster
28th June: He posts pictures of another woman on his Facebook page
9th July: He updates profile to indicate that he is in a relationship with this other woman
10th July: He updates profile to indicate that he's getting married in 3 weeks to this other woman
Does this last bit make sense to you? It doesn't me!
So I call to find out what the heck is going on? He laughs it off and my questions go unanswered.
I know deep down I should be thankful as I've clearly dogged some sort of bullet, but I can't help but feel wounded at the realisation that he hadn't been entirely honest with me. Thanks to Facebook, I knew of her, but he said they were just friends. Yeah right!
I met my father for the first time in twenty something years on 1st May. Below is my journal during and shortly after the trip.
Saturday, 1st May @ 7:30am
The hour draws near. I am filled with anticipation; also dread and fear. Is he going to be the man I remember? Or the newly created vision in my head: someone old, weak and near death!
Whatever awaits me, I am nervous. 26 years is a long time not to see one of the two people responsible for your birth.
Will I easily forgive him or will I resent him? Only time will tell.
Of course there is also the extended family - like my half sister MotherOfTwo. I don't particularly have fond memories of her. She was manipulative. Of course, I also last saw her when were children.
Perhaps here again it is time to put these memories to rest. I'm sure we've both changed and grown over the years. It no longer makes sense to harbour a resentment over something attributed to me - but was actually said by my older sister - about not liking her.
Dad's ex-wife (are they still married?) on the other hand, I will most likely never warm to. Granted father made his choice but I've always resented her for marrying Dad. Even then I knew she wouldn't be able to tame him. So perhaps I should thank her.
Had Dad married Mom he would have most likely broken her heart. He was a wild beast - wanting to sew his seeds everywhere. How wretched!
I once thought that I could date my brother and not know. I joked every time I said that but there was always the possibility. He has 12 children. Thankfully older sister and I are the eldest. Well that's what I think anyway. Perhaps I'll get him to confirm whether or not that is true.
Either way, I think it would be good if we could all meet. Not sure I want to have close relations, but I'd at least like to know who they are. Perhaps I've passed one in the street and didn't know. How said that would be.
On a positive note, Dad did tell me that Mom was his first love and that he has regrets about not marrying her. He blamed his decision on youth and inexperience.
Dad also mentioned that he tried to get back with Mom after he got married but Mom's partner at the time wasn't having any of it. If that is the case, I'm glad to know that he tried. But also glad to know that he didn't succeed.
Even then, I don't think he was ready for a serious relationship. His eyes, his hands and other body parts wandered from one woman to the next.
How he managed to keep it together to build a successful retail business is a surprise to me. However his downfall doesn't surprise me. While he has not confirmed to me, others have claimed that a woman swindled him out of nearly a million US dollars. How awful!
But to know he had that kind of money and never shared with his first born children when we struggled greatly makes me angry and think how completely irresponsible of him.
My only memory of him giving us anything involved the yearly parade for school shoes. I hated those trips because we had to do the dance. I felt humiliated by it all. Of course, I'm sure he would (will) have a different view.
Of course, I won't bring any of this up. I'd like to think he feels a quiet shame. And in his current condition its best not to talk about how awful he was in his youth.
What then will we discuss? I have no idea. In our conversations over the last month or so, they have been somewhat laboured. Well me working hard to get him to open up and say anything. In old age he's gotten extremely quiet with his thoughts.
I can be that way at times, but having lost one parent, I seek answers. I want to know everything. So I haven't exactly been polite. Of course, there is a time a place for everything.
Saturday, 1st May @ 8:04am
Just spoke with half sister MotherOfTwo. She sounds pleasant.
Found out that Dad's first name is something completely different from what I've known my whole life. I had no idea. Yet another mystery revealed.
Anyway, she is meeting me later so I have some time with Dad on my own. Good! I had hoped it would be this way - us one on one.
Not good is the fact that the reunion will be in a hospital - on an open ward.
Saturday, 1st May @ 10:15am
The initial visit is brief as I'm early and it's not yet visiting hours.
The nurse is kind enough to let me see him.
I am shocked by how feeble he looks but it could be worse. He can stand and is able to communicate.
Another thing that surprises me is his height. I am almost (perhaps) even taller than him.
My memory as a child is one who would tower over me. Now it's the reverse.
Monday, 3rd May @ 11:45am
It has been an eventful few days. Now currently sitting at Dad's bed - he is lying down and for the first time he seems weaker; fragile. His hands shake.
The smell of hospital is the air. It's not a bad smell; but it lingers. It reminds me of my time in hospital with Mom. But the emotional aspect isn't there; not at the same level.
Of course that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for him and so trying my best not to shed any tears. It won't be easy but I'm determined.
Interestingly, I'm starting to like half sister MotherOfTwo. She was extremely welcoming and hospitable. Plus her husband and children were lovely. When I left the younger one held on to me for a long while. He didn't want me to leave. It was a lovely feeling. So I'll definitely have to come back.
****
Subsequent to this trip, I have spoken to Dad but I haven't gone back for a visit. The initial euphoria wore off. Perhaps because everything is so laboured. He doesn't say much and really but for the fact that he is my father, we have nothing in common. How sad.
I've been getting perspective from a male friend who knows MrFixIt Guy about the situation.
And before telling me he didn't want to talk about MrFixIt Guy anymore after one too many conversations on the matter, he said: "well the last thing I'm going to say about this is that it's like falling in love with your gardener."
No I wasn't in love with him, but I knew exactly what he meant. Sure we were childhood friends, but our adult lives were extremely different and our paths never would have crossed -- not socially and definitely not professionally.
He -- MrFixIt Guy -- was like the hired help.
And if I'm honest with myself, this caused major doubts from the beginning. I cringed at the thought of taking him to a dinner party and introducing him to friends.
He was the boyfriend I felt comfortable with one on one but dreaded the thought of having to introduce to friends, family and work colleagues.
I didn't dare update my relationship status on Facebook with a link to his profile.
I could hear the comments now. I'd definitely gone down market.
It was these thought along with doubts raised about more important matters that caused me to end things in the first place.
But then I felt guilty because I was being a complete snob and I had to own up to the fact that I did really like him. Or maybe it was just the idea of being in a relationship. Not sure.
Anyway, like wasn't love. I knew that much.
He kept pushing me to say it, but I just couldn't.
Interestingly, had he come in the image of Racquetball Guy or Airport Guy, I would have fakingly said it until I meant it.
But I just couldn't and that drove him crazy and ultimately away from me.
I in term then wanted to cling to this inappropriate relationship.
No I didn't call or text him (in fact I deleted his contact details from my phone and un-friended him on Facebook), but I did waste an awful lot of time talking and thinking about him. And oh yeah, on advice of BestGuyFriend, I sent an email accepting responsibility for all that was wrong in the relationship. This was all part of a silly attempt to win him back.
Now that was crazy and I wish I could claw it back. By hey, ce la vie!
Just as the male friend who knows MrFixIt Guy became frustrated with me, I've become frustrated with myself for dwelling on matters.
Particularly after I found out he's not the doting father he claims to be and he started a rebound relationship with a woman he claimed was just a friend. Yeah right!
Am I a wee bit jealous? No, not a all. Because according to my male friend, "she's like a dollar bill." She has quite a scandalous reputation as she's been passed from one man to the next -- "that woman hole done see sun light."
So enough! I've wasted enough energy on someone who has turned out to be a liar and is definitely not and will never be worthy.
Sometimes we make mistakes and hope for second chances that never come.
Sometimes we realise too late that what was before us was really good and will never be again.
Sometimes we are stuck and cling to certain thoughts and inappropriate relationships.
Sometimes we learn the lessons and move on.
After five years in the UK (with two of them actually living in Wimbledon), I finally made it to The All England Lawn Tennis Club on Tuesday, 29th June.
As I sat in the stands on Centre Court watching a doubles match involving Martina Navratilova drinking a glass of pimms, couldn't help but think about all I had to be thankful for despite recent challenges.
Below is a picture of me taken at Wimbledon.
Even on foggy/rainy days, I've got a lot of love for the city I now call home. London is an amazing city!
You've Got to Love London from Alex Silver on Vimeo.
This song by Air Suppy speaks to me in a major way:
I've had a lot of big dreams
I've made a lot of bad moves
I know you could walk away
But you never do
I've met a lot of cold hearts
I've learned to smile and deceive
I know I'm hard to be around
But you never leave
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I've made a lot of heartaches
I've found a lot of closed doors
When all the others turn away
You love me more
You love me more
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I want to love forever
To keep our world together
And be the best that I can be
Baby, every time the world caves in on me
You say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
It's been ages since I've provided a real update. Actually, since I became self employed almost two years ago, I stopped blogging about my personal life. Not ideal really because when I started this blog it was my hope to document my life history so that in my old age I could reflect and remember all my trials, tribulations and definitely blessings over the years!
So why did I stop blogging about my personal life? Well initially I just wanted to focus on my new business venture. Then as time went by, it became harder and harder to write about what I now perceived to be trivial matters. Not that what's happening in my personal life is trivial, just that in the grand scheme of things my focus was elsewhere. But, change is a new! I need to get back into the rhythm of things. I don't want to go weeks, months or years again without really blogging.
So one area I should probably address is my love life! The long and short of it is that I'm still (surprisingly) single.
After ending things with Airport Guy, I took some time for reflection. This was the right thing to do as even though I was the one who ended the relationship, I had a difficult time with the breakup.
Why? Well within a matter of days of us meeting, he told me he loved me and mentioned marriage. I was initially guarded about things but I decided that I'd take a chance. So I gave it my all. After a month the cracks started to show but I was still caught up in the fantasy of the happily ever after that it took another ten months to pull the trigger. It was the first relationship I ever ended.
Since then, he has made a number of reappearances to try and rekindle the relationship. Heck, a month ago via Facebook, he told me I was still the love of his life and he wanted us to get back together. Considering all the broken promises during and after the relationship ended, I didn't take him seriously. I never will.
Racquetball Guy has also made a number of reappearances. Heck, it's been on and off since I left Chicago nearly five years ago. The most recent reappearance happened at the beginning of the year. He was in the final stages of applying for a job in London and he wanted my blessings to move here. I had mixed feelings. After all the false restarts, I just didn't have the energy anymore, but I thought hey - perhaps it would be different if he lived here.
Fortunately (unfortunately) he didn't get the job and while we still talked about getting back together (marriage was even discussed), it all went nowhere. I got so frustrated that I gave him a deadline to pull his finger out and take some definite action or just go away and leave me alone. I gave him a month to think through it all.
I told him that if after the month he didn't re-engage, while I'd be sad it would finally bring closure. We both needed to forward either together or apart. Furthermore, it was all or nothing. We could never be just friends. We were too emotionally attached to one another.
A month came and went and nothing. I was sad but also relieved. I could finally move forward.
Shortly thereafter, I met someone - MrFixIt Guy! Before I talk about him though, I should say that Racquetball Guy made another appearance. He called me early one Friday morning pretending as if nothing had happened. He then proceeded to drop the ultimate bombshell - the stomach cancer that had stalled our relationship almost from the beginning (mainly because of him!), had come roaring back and the doctors only gave him six months to live. I was shocked; dumbfounded actually but it finally explained why one minute he wanted to get back together and the other he was pulling away. He wanted to spear me the pain of becoming a young widow, but at the same time, the bond was great that he couldn't (wouldn't) stay away.
Anyway, during the call, my initial reaction was to encourage him to go through more treatments but he wasn't having any of it. He'd had enough. Thus, I suggested that he spend the remanding time enjoying life to the fullest. That's when things got awkward. He wanted to see me. I just didn't think that was a good idea. While it might help bring about the ultimate closure, I just didn't need to get myself in a situation where all the emotions would come flooding back again. Plus having just met MrFixIt Guy, I wanted to focus on the new relationship. Basically, Racquetball Guy was my past, not my future and so needed to move forward, not backward. So that was that; the end. Finally!
Time for new beginnings with MrFixIt Guy! We'd known each as children but had lost contact over the years. Then through the magic of Facebook, we reconnected two years ago when I friended someone who I thought was related to my father (more on that separately). Then this past Christmas, he told me that he fancied me. Now he wasn't the first Facebook connection to make that declaration, but it was the first one I seriously considered -- perhaps because I'd gotten to know him reasonably well during our phone and Facebook chats. Surprisingly during that time he gave no hint that he liked me romantically.
Anyway, things didn't exactly progress as we lived in different cities and he was out of the country on an extended holiday. Then, we randomly met face to face for the first time in almost 20something years at a friend's 40th birthday party.
After that, things intensified. We spoke daily and made plans to see each other again. I was nervous about it all, but decided to just go with the flow. Nothing ventured, nothing gained - right? Right!
So the weekend of the visit, he came to London and partied with some friends on Friday night. I was invited but as I'm not really a club person, decided to take a pass. The plan was then for us to meet at the National Gallery, lunch at a restaurant near Camden Market and then hang out in Central London. However, none of that happened as his friend was dropping another friend at the airport early Saturday morning and it was then just easier to drop off MrFixIt Guy at my house. I was disappointed about the plans changing, but again, decided to go with the flow.
So how did the weekend go? Well swell actually. Our bond intensified. Oh yeah, did I mention that he told me he loved me on the phone before we actually saw each other? I was shocked and in all honesty didn't handle the disclosure well. However, I was able to recover (well that's what I thought anyway) and we continued getting to know one another.
Plans were made to get together again but they had to be deferred as he had to go out of town on training for 10 days. While at training he got sick and as the weekend of our next visit approached, I foolishly suggested that if he wasn't better by the time the weekend came around he should stay home and recover.
Oh how I regretted that. He got better but didn't come down because of what I'd said. In my defence, I made the statement as when you are self employed, you just can't risk getting sick.
Luckily, we then made plans to see each other the following weekend. I was excited but reserved at the same time. Why? Well since he told me he loved me, he'd pushed to define the relationship. But having two major relationships fail, I just wanted to take it slow and let things develop. This caused a strain as after a 3rd or 4th attempt on his part to clarify things; he said ok, we'll do it your way.
Thus, this next visit was really important. I decided that instead of him coming down, I'd make the effort and go up to visit him. Also, I'd try and be more expressive with regards to my feelings.
No question, I liked him, but with the failed relationships behind me (both of which at one point I thought would result in marriage), I didn't want to build up expectations. Plus, if I'm completely honest, I was concerned about whether or not we had enough in common to go the distance. Our lives over the years had been so different.
If we hadn't known each other as children, we never would have met. We walk in completely different circles. Truthfully, five years ago (heck even two years ago), I wouldn't have gone out with him. Why? Let's just say that a few key boxes on my list were unchecked. But as obsessing about the list hadn't really served me well over the years, I threw caution to the wind.
Anyway, back to the second weekend visit. Again, we didn't go out. Sure we visited the town centre, but there were no concrete plans. And in that I spend a lot of time on my own, I was looking for a more structured outing - I wanted to have a proper Saturday night date but that didn't happen.
That said, I did enjoy our time together even thought it was very low key. He did cook me lunch! But things got a bit awkward on Monday morning shortly before my departure. Somehow we - well I asked - about his motivations, goals, dreams, etc.
He indicated that everything he did now was motivated by his desire to give his daughter a better life. I couldn't really fault him for that. In fact, it was one of the qualities I admired about him and drew me closer. Considering she was so important to him, I looked forward to getting to know her.
However, it all fell apart when we talked about the future; he said that having lived a full life (at the age of 41), he now just wanted to relax. Furthermore, he made mention of the fact (I still haven't verified this) that the life expectancy for a black man was 55 years, so he just wanted to enjoy life.
Now considering that I want to get married and have children, this was a major turnoff and stunned me into silence. I now wondered if he was capable (or even willing) to step up and be a provider should things get that far. Oh and let's not talk about me once again wondering if I was destined to be a young widow.
All of it was just too much and clarifying questions that might have helped to alleviate my fears went unasked and unanswered. There was also potential conflict on where we'd live (Europe verses North America).
The uncertainty intensified as we really didn't really speak much that week. Then the following Saturday, I decided to call. No point wondering about the status of the relationship, I just needed to confront things head on. The conversation was lukewarm at best and at one point, I heard myself say, let's just be friends then. Now, that's not really what I wanted, but I was feeling extremely frustrated. I wanted to talk things through but he was shutting down. So that was that.
A week later, I decided to try again. I sent a note via Skype asking for us to get together and talk things through. I didn't want any misunderstandings so I suggested a face to face meeting. I really needed/wanted to explain why I'd been so guarded and initially responded negatively to his I love you declaration. I should have mentioned that I missed him terrible, but I didn't. The request was perhaps a bit devoid of the real emotion I was feeling.
Surprisingly (or perhaps not) a response never came and so 24 hours later, I decided to phone. He confirmed receipt of the Skype message and indicated he was still thinking about it. It wasn't what I was hoping to hear and so tried to ask a few probative questions. However, mid conversation we got cut off. I tried to call back and got no answer.
Immediately, I thought the worst. Meaning, I thought he had hung up on me. So I sent a Skype message calling him out and basically, telling him to forget things. I then proceeded to delete him as a friend on Facebook. I also said a few things on Facebook that I really should have kept to myself. I was angry and hurting and so I lashed out.
Then on Sunday, he called. He indicated that the phone went dead as it hadn't been charged. Then my snippy Skype message that followed had angered him. I felt terrible. I wanted to take it all back, but it was too late. And in that he didn't really want to talk further, so much has been left unsaid.
Nearly a week on, I still feel awful and want the opportunity to explain my actions during our courtship but I'm not sure that opportunity will come anytime soon; so I'm letting it all hang out here.
No question I was ready for a new relationship, but I was completely unaware that I had certain triggers that left me rigid and closed off. The "I love you" declaration was definitely a trigger. Both Racquetball Guy & Airport Guy did so within a month of us dating. That led to emotional manipulation. It also got me to do things that I wouldn't normally do (lend money; make certain purchases, compromise on things that are important to me, etc.).
So while MrFixIt Guy was not like the other two (one of the reasons I was open to dating him), I was guarded as I kept waiting for the demands to come. They never did but I was perhaps a bit more uptight about things as whereas before I had lots of money and didn't mind being generous, now being self employed, things are a lot tighter.
Also, hearing those words so early in the relationship brought on thoughts of abandonment. No they weren't logical but every guy who has ever told me they loved me has walked away in the end. So it spurred on negative thoughts which in the end became a self fulfilling prophecy.
So where do we go from here? Well I'm just going to let it be. No question I miss him, but have to own up to the fact that I did have concerns about our compatibility. Furthermore, communication is a two street and so while I should have perhaps been more open at the beginning, he should have been more open to hearing my side of things once I was finally ready to let it all out.
Furthermore, he should have asked me more questions about myself to really understand my wants, desires, needs in the relationship. Sure I said a lot things, but I'm sure (I know) that led to a lot of assumptions which really should have been clarified.
Interestingly (or perhaps not), he was full on and when I didn't reciprocate, he pulled back. During this time I got more emotionally attached to him and so tried to get to grips with things and sort it out, but it was too late. Ce la vie - because really, if it was meant to be, it still can be. If not, onwards and upwards! There will be other opportunities.
I am destined to be someone's wife and mother. I am worthy of having the family I desire so just need to be patient that I'll find the man who is willing to love and accept me just as I am. I am a work in progress.
