February 2005 Archives

For the record, any post re the current situation with Racquetball Guy is not an attempt to make him out to be a bad person. He is a good man with honorable intentions and in a different time under different circumstances, we would still be together. Having said that, my heart still hurts. Therefore, I am trying to express what I am feeling. Nevertheless, know that I am not trying to portray myself as a victim. I am just going through the various stages of grief trying very hard to get to the acceptance stage.

I'm less bitchy that some would believe.

I am 36% Asshole/Bitch.

I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

Quiz found at Apple Fuzz.

Romantic love is a beautiful thing. However, having gone through this recent experience, I realize how quickly I let my guard down. Moreover, if I were honest with myself, I would admit that I was in love with the idea of being in love, which caused me to overlook certain things. I guess what I am saying is that there were warning signs in the beginning that the relationship might not possible work. I chose to ignore them. I was and in many ways still am a hopeless romantic. Moving forward, I need to be more reserved and less reckless with my feelings. As such, I am going to try my hardest not to be so easily charmed and remember that words without actions are just empty promises, which ultimately leads to a stay in heartbreak hotel. This is some place I never want to be again.

I recently donated 12 boxes of books to a charity shop. It felt good to lighten the load for the upcoming move, but I am having great remorse. I want my books back. Damn!

I have not seen many of the Oscar nominated films this year, but I recently saw Being Julia. Annette Benning's performance as London's reigning stage actress during the 1930s makes this movie delightful to watch so I can see why she was nominated for a best actress award. So good luck to her on Sunday!

So I am sure that some of you are surprised to learn that my first true love (FTR) was a thug. I am surprised too. We met October 1987 one Friday night at the Boston Crossing Stop on the T. When he originally tried to talk to me, I was not having it. I was on the platform waiting for my date to show up so I was not interested in meeting someone new. However, an hour came and went and my date was still MIA, so I ended up having a conversation with FTR. He seemed pleasant enough that I eventually relented and gave him my phone number. After doing so, he went to a neighboring payphone and called the number. I suppose he wanted to make sure it was correct. After that, a strong bond developed and we dated for sometime without incident. Later I heard rumors he was involved in illicit behavior. This was difficult to confirm as we did not go to the same high school and whenever I was around him or his friends they always seem to be on their best behavior. Of course, I was a little naive back them, so I am sure I missed what to others would be obvious signs of thuggish behavior. Perhaps I was blinded by his good looks and that amazing smile. He was tall, dark and handsome. Either way, I eventually realized that he was a player and that if the rumors about his lifestyle were true, we had no future together. Yet here it is almost 18 years later and I am still thinking about him. Wondering, hoping that he eventually managed to turn his life around.

I use Google everyday, but I am not digging their new feature that allows you to enter a phone number and get a map to the address. That's fine for a business, but not my personal residence. So after confirming that my number was in their system, I submitted a request to have it blocked. Thinking others out there may want to do the same.

Google has implemented a new feature wherein you can type someone's telephone number into the search bar and hit enter and then you will be given a map to their house. Everyone should be aware of this! Note that you can have your phone number removed or blocked.

Before forwarding this, I tested it by typing my telephone number in google.com. My phone number came up, and when I clicked on the MapQuest link, it actually mapped out where I live. Quite scary. Please look up your own number. Read below for details.

Think about it--if a child, ANYONE gives out his/her phone number, someone can actually now look it up to find out where he/she lives. The safety issues are obvious, and alarming. In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to: http://www.google.com/ Type your phone number in the search bar (i.e., 555-555-1212) and hit enter. If you want to BLOCK Google from divulging your private information, simply click on your name, the telephone icon or the "Phone results" link next to your phone number. Removal takes 48-hours. If you are unlisted in the phone book, you might not be in there, but it is a good idea just to check. If your number does come up if you hit map, it will show you a direct map to your house...

I've been dreaming about my first love. This is not surprising as whenever I have relationship problems, he always pops up in my subconscious. So I thought of calling his mother's house back in Boston to try to track him down. However, I am resisting the urge because said guy was (probably still is) no good for me. We dated for much of my junior year in high school but things went south once I found out he was engaged in activities that I just didn't feel comfortable being around. I did continue to speak with him, but our communication was infrequent. Then during Christmas holidays my freshman year at Michigan, he called my house collect from prison. I was disappointed but not surprised. After that, he would write me at college and I occasionally wrote back. He also continued to call collect during subsequent holidays when he knew I would be home. Our last conversation occurred during Christmas break my junior year when he begged me to come visit him in prison. That I simply could not do. I felt bad, but since he would not tell me what he had done to put him there, I just could not put myself through the indignity of visiting him in prison -- even if he was my first true love. So we lost touch. However, I still think of him. How sad.

If you recently sent personal email to ursula at barzey dot com, the likelihood that I have read is slim to none. Mainly because despite my best efforts, that inbox continues to be overrun with spam email. As such, I plan to delete that email address soon. Thus, please send all future private emails to ursulabarzey at gmail dot com. If you have my AOL address, you can use that one too. I will at some point consolidate down to one email address, but can't bring myself yet to part with my AOL account that I acquired back when they were charging you to access by the minute. Goodness! That was such a long long time ago.

Update: If you have not yet scored a gmail account and would like one, send me a email. I just noticed I have about 50 invites to give away.

I managed to get through Valentines Day without feeling overly sorry for myself. I suppose that is because it has been such a long time since I have had a Valentine that I usually do not give much thought to the day. Of course, this year was a bit different. So I tried really hard not to think too much about what could have been. I did get a bit choked up when a message referencing brown sugar popped up on my screen mid-afternoon from a certain person wishing me Happy Valentines day. I thought how odd as well as a bit insensitive. Uncertain as to how to respond, I promptly signed off and went off to indulge in comfort food. Not the best idea, but it did make me feel better.

Choo-Choo has provided a great deal of comfort during these last few months and so I'm glad he's around. Here he is lounging on one of my newly reupholstered wing back chairs. He is just so adorable!

I recently saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on DVD and for a minute, wished that there really was technology to erase from my memory my failing relationships with Racquetball Guy. After that minute passed, I went back to thinking that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I am optimistic that my memories of this relationships and others prior will make me a great spouse someday and for that I am eternally grateful. But there are days when I just want to erase it all. I was in that zone again today after seeing the romantic comedy Hitch. I did enjoy watching the movie and even laughed out loud several times, but after it ended I was overcome with emotions and had to work hard to fight back the tears. So I was wishing again for the eraser technology to be real. I feel like I have reflected enough and want to be done with these feelings. I think (I know) it’s time to move on.

The decision to reupholster a piece of furniture is often a difficult one. Particularly since reupholstering can sometimes cost more than buying new furniture. A large part of that cost typically goes towards paying for the fabric, which is often marked up significantly if you are dealing with an intermediary who then subcontracts the work. Having said that, if you live in Chicago and have an antique piece of furniture that you want to bring new life to, consider using: Felipe's Upholstery @ 4111 W North Ave., Chicago, IL, 60639, 773-252-3110. They recently reupholstered two wingback as well as six dining room chairs and did a FABULOUS job. Thus, DO NOT do what I did and go through unscrupulous intermediaries who shall remain unnamed and unlinked -- go directly to the people that actually do the work. However, before you do that, go to a fabric store like Hancock Fabrics and order upholstery grade fabric that you want used on the furniture. If you are not sure how much fabric you'll need, check out this website which offers guidelines. Also, check out Jennis Fabrics online which has an "interactive showroom where you can click on a swatch and see how it looks on both a chair and a sofa." Then you will not have to pay ridiculous market up prices like those that I did. While I love my newly reupholstered furniture, this month long experience has been a lesson learnt. A painful one at that.

I got this joke from a colleague and couldn't resist the urge to post.

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Being American and
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.-

Every few months for the last two years, I get a letter from some company asking me to call re getting a lower interest rate for my student loan. The first time I got one of these letters, I promptly called. However, I was disappointed to learn that since I had already consolidated my student loans in the mid 90s shortly after I graduated from college, I was not eligible to get a reduced interest rate. I was bummed. New graduates could now consolidate at 4%, I was stuck somewhere in the 8% range. Somehow, that does not seem fair. My thinking was and still is that if homeowners can refinance their mortgage loans to get a lower interest rate, I should be able to do the same for my student loans. However, that is not to be. So damn the student loan companies and better yet -- Congress who does not want to do anything for millions like myself who are in the same predicament.

I channel hopped for most of Super Bowl XXXIX. However, I watch the half time show and let me say that I was not impressed. Paul McCartney gave a decent performance, but the show overall was pretty lame....heck, I almost fell asleep. Thus, shame on the NFL for reaching back and choosing such a safe performer from almost another lifetime. When you have a billion+ people watching your show, thinking they could have easily booked a more hip entertaining performer that wouldn't repeat last years wardrobe malfunction.

The man who ran over the cabdriver 100 yards away from the front door of my building turned himself in on Friday night. Thank goodness. Based on news reports, he was accompanied by his attorneys. No charges have yet been filed, but I cannot wait to hear what defense this yet to be indentified man will present. Anyone in this neighborhood who heard or witnessed with their eyes what happened will agree with me that it was murder. It was not premeditated, but once the guy was in the act, he totally got out of control. Therefore, I am of the opinion that he should at least be charged with manslaughter. It should be interesting to see whether or not the police agree.

5:30am and still no sunlight. Damn! I need to move somewhere warmer. Somewhere with more sunlight during the day. Somewhere where the sun rises a little earlier. This is ridiculous.

It is 4am in the morning and I am wide-awake. Partially because I went to bed, last night wicked early (8pm) by my own standards. So here I am trying to busy myself. I could do something productive like start shredding some of my personal files, but I went to bed without dinner and so I am too hungry to concentrate and alas, there is no food in the house. Therefore, I am waiting. Waiting until there is some daylight outside so that I go to the local grocery store Dominick's.

Prior to the murder two nights ago, I would have run up the street without thinking twice. Dominick's is open 24hours and is less than 5 minutes walking from my house. Now I am too freaked out. The newscameras were around yesterday and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about what happened -- and it is a bit unsettling when you hear more than one person say "this use to be such a nice neighborhood." Oh oh. It is all making me jumpy around this place. Particularly when I suddenly seen to be more aware of every police car/fire engine I hear off in the distance. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I was never under any allusion that there was no crime in this neighborhood. I regularly check the Chicago Police Citizen ICAM to see what crimes have occurred in my neighborhood. However, because the crime was so vicious and I heard it happening it makes me start to wonder what the heck I'm doing here. So maybe it is a good thing I am moving on. I want to leave this place with good memories.

So for 10 years I have lived in the same neighborhood and apartment and thankfully (knocking on wood), I have never witnessed or been a victim of a crime. That all changed last night. I was lying in bed around 11:30pm trying desperately to go to sleep when I heard people arguing outside. As the voices got raised, I turned up my radio to drown them out, but the arguing and foul language kept up for a bit. Then I heard a car reversing, then moving forward, then reversing and moving forward again. Through that, I heard someone scream really loud. I then jumped up, ran to the living room window, and looked down. There I saw about six people crowded around someone who was lying on the ground. I watched the scene for several minutes and could see that many of my neighbors in surrounding buildings were doing the same. After about 5 minutes, an ambulance showed up and I went back to bed. I assumed the person would be fine.

Then, this morning Racquetball Guy woke me up around 6:30am asking if I had heard what happened last night. He had seen a report on the news about a cabdriver being killed on my very block, in fact less than 100 yards away from my building. Apparently, the cabdriver and his passenger got into an argument over the fare and things got quite heated. The argument turned violent and the cabdriver was basically murdered in the heat of the argument. Now that I know all the details, I am shocked and a bit freaked out. Granted I was six floors up and in no real danger, it is still scary to find out that what I heard last night was someone being killed. Scary to think that someone who lives in this neighborhood or knows someone who lives on my block would get so out of control over what I am sure is no more than a $10 to $30 cab ride. How sad. How very very sad.

2003 List

1. How to Be Good
2. Bel Canto: A Novel
3. Mary and O'Neil
4. Good in Bed
5. Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued...
6. Sister of My Heart
7. The Vine of Desire
8. Arranged Marriage: Stories
9. A Confederacy of Dunces
10. Tepper Isn't Going Out
11. Sexual Healing
12. Acting Out
13. The Bondsmaid
14. In Her Shoes
15. The Da Vinci Code
16. The Neon Bible
17. The Between Boyfriend Book
18. Waiting
19. Smart vs. Pretty
20. Asking for Trouble
21. The Ghost of Boyfriends Past
22. Babyville
23. Gumbo: A Celebration of African American Writing
24. Grand Canyon Inc.

2004 List

1. Notes from a Small Island
2. Lanark: A Life in Four Books
3. The Fat Flush Plan
4. A Walk In The Woods
5. The Devil Wears Prada
6.I Don't Know How She Does It
7. Living and Working in Britain

2005 List

1. Without Reservations
2. Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination
3. Sammy's Hill
4. Watching The English
5. Small Island
6. Fruit of the Lemon
7. Never Far From Nowhere
8. Every Light in the House Burnin'
9. The Shadow of the Wind
10. My Secret History
11. Stranger on a Train
12. She's Come Undone
13. Turning Thirty
14. Darkest England
15. The Lovely Bones
16. Marrying The Mistress
17. Giving Up America
18. Via Dolorosa
19. Wuthering Heights
20. Infante's Inferno
21. Jane Austen Book Club
22. Buxton Spice
23. My Legendary Girlfriend
24. Dinner for Two
25. Turning 30: How to Get the Life You Really Want
26. Liz Jones's Diary
27. Mother London
28. Mr Commitment
29. How To Lose Friends & Alienate People
30. High Fidelity
31. Brick Lane
32. The Sea
33. Madame Bovary
34. Elegance
35. The Other Woman

2006 List

1. Man And Boy
2. Fever Pitch
3. Persuasion
4. Lady Chatterley's Lover
5. The Secret Life of Bees
6. The Reading Group

2007 List

1. On Beauty

So my family and friends continue to ask me if Racquetball Guy and I are still dating. Heck, Racquetball Guy asked me the other night if he still had a girlfriend. I turned the question back on him and asked if we have truly acted like a couple these last few months. Granted we still talk to each other almost every day, we haven't gone out on a proper date for some time. Now there are legitimate reasons for why we are not out painting the town red, but it does not really explain why we do not see each other more often. Having said that, no we have not officially broken up. Perhaps we are both too afraid to say the words. We really do still love each other dearly. However, there are certain challenges that have presented themselves and while I am willing to work together to solve said challenges, Racquetball Guy wants to go it alone. Therefore, whereas months before we were planning a future together, we are now planning to make moves in separate directions. The door to a possible future together is not completely closed, but to make that happen, we need to step back, focus on our individual challenges and just concentrate on being friends.

For the last 10 years, I have lived in the same apartment. Luckily for me, my rent only increased by $165 throughout all those years. However, that is only because I negotiated each year. Now, I no longer wish to negotiate with the property management company. It is time to move on. I wanted to do so a couple years ago, but I stayed put. I figured, why move when I live in a really cool neighborhood. Plus my current apartment is less than a block from the Chicago lakefront and is in close proximity to lots of restaurants and major retail shops. In addition, I did not want to move to another apartment. I did consider purchasing a condominium but since I also did not want to be tied down, I continued to rent. Now I am definitely moving. I am tired of my apartment. I want to live somewhere else. I need to make a change. Having made that decision, I have been sorting through my things and let me say that I am overwhelmed by it all. I am amazed by how much stuff I have been able to pack into this apartment during the last 10 years. As I work my way through each room, I am trying hard not to get emotional about every item. I need to let many things go. Do I really need to hold on to Newsweek magazines from 92? Or term papers I wrote in high school? Or clothing I haven't worn in 5 years? I think not. Therefore, I have been throwing some things out. I have also recently sold some items on Ebay. However, with the recent announcement that they (Ebay) were raising fees, I can no longer be bothered. So I plan to donate a ton of stuff to The Brown Elephant Resale Shop which should help my taxes for next year. And looking forward, I am going to think twice before I buy something and bring it home. So no more yard sales/garage sales/estate sales for awhile. I have enough junk collectibles of my own that I don't need to add any more. Plus I need to make a commitment to do spring cleaning each year.

I paid more in taxes during 2004 than I made at my first corporate job some 10 years ago and yet according to TurboTax, I still owe Uncle Sam money. This just totally sucks. Single people really do get screwed when it comes to paying taxes. So while I don't condone cheating and would never do it, I now understand why people get creative with their taxes.

For the past weeks, heck months, I have been thinking about the movie Love Story. I actually have the movie on VHS but I will not watch it as its all so very sad and I am not in the mood for that sort of cry right now. However, I cannot stop repeating in my head a line from the movie over and over again. It goes "love means never having to say you're sorry." Part of me thinks it is the stupidest saying in the world when it comes to love, another part of me thinks that there is great validity to the statement. Either way, it sucks when love starts to hurt. In addition, it sucks when you think you have turned a corner only to have the smallest thing retrigger feelings you were trying desperately to no longer acknowledge. Either way, romantic relationships are hard work and part of me thinks that I am not really cut out for this sort of work. Well at least not with Racquetball Guy anyway. Not right now. And for that, I am truly sorry!