February 2003 Archives

So last Friday I left the office feeling kind of crappy. The moral on the sales team is awful. No surprise there as we are all being micro-managed. What was upsetting is that I got confirmation that one of the business development reps that I work very closely with is on a thirty-day performance plan; which basically means look for a job. Anybody who knows the consulting business knows that you just don’t turn things around in 30 days. In any event, I got home and saw that I had a box from Amazon.com. Since I normally ship my purchases to work, was kind of surprised to see the box. Then I opened and saw that it was a gift from one of my blog readers. Out of the blue, he had purchased a book off my wishlist. I was so overwhelmed by it all, I broke down in tears. It was such a kind gesture on his part. I never really expected any of my readers to buy me anything. I put up the list for family and friends who know me from the "real world." Heck, it's not even my birthday. So I thank you JAMES from the bottom of my heart. You brought a much needed smile to my face. I’m almost halfway through the book and I just love it. I’m quite grateful for the purchase. So sometime in the future, I’m going to do the same for another blogger…that is purchase an item off their wishlist…even when it’s not their birthday.

The latest issue of Newsweek has a feature story on black women. Some of the statistics quoted just confirms what I already knew. More black women than black men are graduating from high school and going on to graduate from college. Specifically, "twenty-five percent of young black males go to college; 35 percent of women do." Many "black women (24 percent of them, compared with 17 percent of black men) have ascended to the professional-managerial class." So with black women progressing further than black men, this creates dating challenges. In fact, the more upwardly mobile you are, less likely that you'll be happily married to a black man. Damn! "According to the 2000 Census, 47 percent of black women in the 30-to-34 age range have never married, compared with 10 percent of white women." Yikes! Further confirmation that as much as I may want to, I shouldn't limit my dating options to just black men. I don't want to be one of the ones left behind. I don't want to end up alone.

A fellow Chicago blogger would like me to help create some buzz about an upcoming event. Since it's for charity, I thought I would comply. So if you are in Chicago this weekend, and don't yet have plans for Saturday night (March 1st), consider going to event sponsored by the Columbia Muses. Event is a mini-concert/benefit to raise money for the Space Shuttle Children's Trust Fund. If you already have plans but would like to donate, go here to find out where to send checks. One hundred percent of all donations received, without any administrative costs or fees, will be used directly for the benefit of the children.

"The Space Shuttle Children's Trust Fund was founded on the day after the Space Shuttle Challenger tragedy in 1986, with the full support of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). The Fund was established as a non-profit, tax exempt foundation to provide for the health, education, and support of the children of the astronauts who perished in the Challenger tragedy and of astronauts who might perish in the future while involved actively in participating in space exploration and travel conducted under the auspices of NASA.

Since 1986, the Fund has served as a provider of health, education, and related support for these children, almost all of whom are now college graduates. The directors of the Fund wish to express their sorrow at Saturday's Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy and their readiness to help the families and children of those brave astronauts who perished exploring the frontiers of space for the benefit of all humankind. "

I’m sad to hear that the Chicago Bears cut quarterback Jim Miller. I met Jim when he was a senior in high school. His sister was my roommate at Michigan our freshman and senior year, so I spent a few weekends over the years at his family’s house. They are such nice people. I was hoping Jim would follow his sister to Michigan but he went off to Michigan State. Oh well. I never held it against him. He knew what was best for his football career. Once he left Michigan State, I followed his career in the NFL. While I’ll miss him here in Chicago, I'm sure another team will pick him up. Jim is a great quarterback. He's a winner. He just needs to stay healthy.

It's one of those days. I'm at a loss for words!

I along with a dozen other folks were at the 7pm showing of The Pianist at Pipers Alley. The Pianist chronicles the life of Polish-Jewish pianist Wladyslaw Szpilman from 1939-45. He died in Warsaw in 2000 at age 88 after surviving the Holocaust through an extraordinary series of incidents and coincidences. Movie was adapted from his 1946 memoir Death of A City. I don’t have much more to say about this movie. Simply that it’s yet another brilliantly acted and directed movie about the Holocaust and I’m emotionally exhausted by it all.

The 2003 Cricket World Cup is taking place and a champion will be crowned in the next 10 days. Not familiar with the sport? No surprise there. Most people in America have never heard of it. But it’s a sport that dates back to the 18th century. For most Caribbean islands as well as other nations across of the world, cricket is to them what baseball is to America.

”Cricket is a team sport for two teams of eleven players each. A formal game of cricket can last anything from an afternoon to several days. Although the game play and rules are very different, the basic concept of cricket is similar to that of baseball. Teams bat in successive innings and attempt to score runs, while the opposing team fields and attempts to bring an end to the batting team's innings. After each team has batted an equal number of innings (either one or two, depending on conditions chosen before the game), the team with the most runs wins.”

To get an explanation of the game from an American’s point of view, go here.

Someone just came to my site after entering the following words in google: "cocaine blowjob secret wife group." Mon Dieu! It doesn't look like they stayed long. Thank goodness. That is definitely one group (if it does exist), that I won't be a part of.

My friend Leigh links to a site that tries to offer proof of the claim that a contestant “in response to a question from host Bob Eubanks about the ‘most unusual place you've ever made whoopee,’ a female Newlywed Game contestant responded, ‘That would be up the butt, Bob.’” I haven't done the butt thing (and probably never will), but this got me thinking about the my most unusual place. Hands down, it would have to be at the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library at the University of Michigan. Event occurred during exam period second semester junior year. One Sunday afternoon, my boyfriend and I were in small study rooms adjacent to each other, and as the dividing wall didn’t go all the we up, we starting passing notes back and forth. I’m not sure which one of us make the suggestion, but we were both stressed and needed some sort of release. So after hanging our jackets over the windows we made whoopee. Despite our best efforts to be quiet, we weren’t very successful and I’m sure many around us wondered what the heck was going on. So after the act was complete, we ran out of the library laughing our heads off and went straight to Taco Bell. Thank goodness we never got caught. I’m sure campus police would have arrested us for indecent conduct. Later that summer we did get busted by camping police after parking in a van for way too long a period. Thankfully we didn't get arrested but I vowed never to do that again.

I’m not a big music fan, so can’t really comment on the winners for the 45th Annual Grammy Awards. Before last night, I didn’t even know who Norah Jones was. I just watched video clip of her singing “Coming Away With Me.” Not bad!

But I love going to the movies. So between now and when the 75th Annual Academy Awards airs, I’m going to try and see most if not all the movies that got nominated in the major categories (best picture, director, actor, actress, supporting actor, supporting actress). It may seem like a tall order but I’ve seen quite a few already. These include: About Schmidt, Adaptation, Road to Perdition, Chicago, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. So in 26 days, I hope to see 9 movies which include: The Pianist, The Quiet American, Gangs of New York, The Hours, Catch Me If You Can, Frida, Unfaithful, Far From Heaven, and Talk to Her. Hopefully, these are all still out in the theatres or at least available on VHS. Thankfully, I still have quite a few movie passes that I got at Christmas so this project shouldn’t be too hard on my wallet.

Tonight the programming committee for my alumni association met at a very cool restaurant that I'd like to recommend. It was my second outing at The Big Downtown in the Palmer House Hotel. This lunch/after work hang out is a total throwback to the past. It's a rare find. As metromix.com indicates:

“The Big Downtown has resurrected the Loop's heyday in all its art deco opulence. This restaurant is a real eyeful: the rail station theme features exposed ironwork that emulates the "el" understructure, as well as gleaming tiled walls, wood floors and high-backed booths. The ceiling is circled by a miniature electric elevated train model that gets the attention of diners young and old. An exposed kitchen shimmers with smoking grills and stainless steel, and a long bar serves up cocktails as big as Daniel Burnham's command to, 'Make no small plans!' Burham's bidding carries over to the menu as well, with hefty sandwiches, slabs of ribs and pizzas guaranteed to mess up your white tie and tails.”

So if you're downtown Chicago and looking for something different, check out The Big Downtown. Also, if you've never been inside the Palmer House, go inside and walk around the lobby....its simply exquisite. A throwback to the past, they don't build them like this anymore!

Here is one fashion craze that I won't be following.

So my best guy friend and his girlfriend talked me into going to the casino with them yesterday afternoon. I was perfectly content to stay at home and watch movies like Shallow Hal on HBO, but decided to go as they’d been trying to get me to go for a while. They wanted me to go as Harrah’s Casino East Chicago is running a special promotion. So lured by the offer of a free lobster dinner at another casino, I left the comforts of my home and spent several hours watching other people gamble. In an effort to keep me happy (I hate being in smoked filled rooms), my best guy friend and I went for drinks while the girlfriend continued to gamble so that we could qualify for the promotion. It was at this point that things got interesting. After a few drinks and some lively conversation, he proceeded to try and get me to kiss him. I wasn’t really surprised. Having known him for 12 years, I’m use to this dance. But it’s one we only do when both of us are single. I definitely wasn’t going to do it with his girlfriend downstairs. But they have this unconventional relationship (which I really won’t get into), so he assured me it was ok. So as we got up to leave, we embraced and I didn’t turn away from his kiss. This would come back to haunt me. As we left the Majestic Star Casino where I lost $6 playing 2cents slots, my guy friend went to the bathroom. As his girlfriend and I stood there making small talk, she said something like: “so I heard you guys kissed earlier.” I was completely mortified. I couldn't believe he had told her. All I could muster to respond back was: “there was no tongue action…I swear!” We had a good laugh about it but clearly I was more uncomfortable about things than they were. Thank goodness! Call me a prude, but that won’t be happening again.

Since I disclosed last night that I’ve dated outside my race, I thought I might clarify my current dating preferences. Let just say that in my 20s, I didn’t really care about race. I was more interested in dating someone who was going to treat me the way I want to be treated in a romantic relationship. Now that I’m in my 30s, I think more about my choices. I’m still open to dating outside my race, but I prefer to date someone black. As much as we want to say that race doesn’t matter anymore, it still does. And as I’d like to get married in the next 5-10 years and have children, I just think it would be so much easier. Since I don’t have parents anymore, it is important to me that my future husband’s parents accept me from the get go without reservations regarding my race. I don’t want to have to win them over with grandchildren. Having said that, I’m not going to automatically disqualify someone because of their race. That would be simply foolish. The romantic in me says that love does conquer all. So, I’m just going to be smarter about my choices.

Below are the top 10 things I want in a boyfriend/lover/husband. You will notice that I really don't talk about personal features. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a tall good looking man. But I'm more interested in someones inner beauty. Inner beauty is simply more attractive than aesthetic beauty. A persons character, personality, strength and character makes them beautiful. That outside is just the container that hold it all together.

They say you'll always remember your first. And for whatever reason, something made me think of the first white boy I ever had sexual relations with. For the record, it really is no different. Yup, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. In any event, this made me look him up on the Internet and voila...I found him without much difficulty. Looks like he's living close by the University of Michigan. No surprise there. We met my junior year at Michigan. I'm tempted to give him a call but I won't. Things ended quite badly with us. After 7 months, he left me for another woman on my 21st birthday. Serves me right though. I was cheating with him on my "real boyfriend" who then was a cadet at the Naval Academy. I wasn't the only one being unfaithful though. My "real boyfriend" who I had known since I was 13 but only started dating my sophmore year, was cheating on me with a woman he later married and is now divorced from. Oh what fond memories! Those were some crazy times.

I watched Pulp Fiction last night for the first time ever, and it sent me running for my bible. I couldn't help but look up the passage (Ezekiel 25:17) that Samuel Jackson's character (Jules Winnfeld) quotes just before he "pops a cap in their ass.” He says:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Looks like we have different versions of the bible. My King James version Ezekiel 25:17 says:

"And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."

Oh well! I can’t really blame Quentin Tarantino for taking poetic license. Btw, whatever happened to him? I haven't heard from him since I saw Jackie Brown six years ago. Oh wait, it looks like he has a new movie called Kill Bill coming out later this year.

So I blew my weight watchers points again today. But for a good reason. You see I followed through on plans to make bread from scratch. Recipe was pretty easy to follow but I think I messed up somewhere as the bread didn’t rise enough. Nonetheless, the French bread was delicious and the smell is so wonderful that I hope it last for days. So I know I’m going to bake bread again. Maybe even next weekend. I'm anxious to perfect my technique. Plus it helps me remember wonderful memories from my childhood.

So my mother’s father, who I had never met, passed away about 6 month ago in England. Since he died without leaving a will, his estate (which isn't really worth much) is being distributed equally between his 5 kids. Since my mom is no longer alive, we (my two sisters and I) need to provide all this documentation. I’m against it all. Call me crazy but I did not know him in life and I do not want his money in death.

British WorkerBee: Please may a go to the lou?
British Manager: NO. While I am required to provide lavatories, I am not bound to let you go when you need to.

This weekend, I’m going to try and make bread from scratch. It probably seems a little silly to do since you can buy bread so cheaply at the bakery/grocery store. But with all the new kitchenware stuff I bought, trying to put it to good use. Plus I remember watching my mom mold and knead dough as a child. So I’m going to try and see if I can replicate. I just love the smell of fresh baked bread.

So I was thinking, it would be nice to get fan email from people who didn't know me before I started this weblog. Pathetic huh?

Just read the first two chapters of Oliver Willis' steamy first novel titled: Valley Girl. Can't wait for it to be published. Hopefully, he'll get literary representation soon. Here is a summary:

Cara Logan, a young woman with the face of an angel and the body of a goddess, came to Hollywood looking to be Tinseltown's next big thing. Instead she makes a living in L.A.'s underground, having sex on film and experiencing a perverted sort of fame. When she meets Robert Chaffey, she realizes that his lust for her is surpassed only by his lust for power...

I'm cranky, tired and stressed. So I've decided to go on strike. But I haven't really told anyone here at work. So lets just keep this between friends.

This is a test to see if this thing really works. I've been meaning to write but I've been too busy eating, sleeping, pooing, and coughing up hair balls all over the place. The only reason I'm writing now is that mommy (aka Ursula) is forcing me to. Actually, I'm dictating this to her. I'm simply too lazy to do it myself. But with my birthday approaching (in April), I thought I might start blogging now so I can build up my fan base. Yeah, I admit it. I really just want people to like me so they can send me some free stuff. Hey, at least I'm honest! In case your kind of confused as to who the helll I am, go here. Don't I look like a lion? I am the King of my jungle!! Well really, just mommy's apartment!

It’s great to see a nice guy win for a change. Trista did the smart thing tonight and picked Ryan over Charlie. Something tells me Charlie just wanted to win. Ryan on the other hand, really seems to love her. I wish them a life of happiness. Hopefully they’ll have better luck than the other couples paired up via The Bachelor. Some might say that Ryan was a little too sensitive, but he has many of the qualities I look for in a man. He was honest and open about his feelings. He really didn't hold anything back. Plus he got bonus points for those poems and paintings. Now if only he had a twin....

Last night on the way home from getting my hair done, I finished reading How to Be Good by Nick Hornby on the bus. I had such high expectations for the book but I ended up totally hating it. At one point, I didn't even want to finish. But for the fact that it was required reading for my book club, I probably would have cast it aside. I simply got tired of the main character Kate (a doctor, wife and mother), complain about her awful marriage, kids, patients, husband's spiritual healer, etc. Hornby may be funny and clever in his other books (High Fidelity, About A Boy, etc), but I found this book almost unbearable.

In reading latest issue of Newsweek, learnt that Steven Soderbergh (of Traffic fame) is directing the movie version of book titled: A Confederacy Of Dunces. Movie is scheduled to arrive in theatres sometime in 2004. I am praying that this film adaptation goes well. This comedic classic with a huge following is on my top ten list of all time favorite reads -- and I've read a lot of books. Story revolves around the adventures of oddball New Orleans denizen Ignatius J. Reilly and his misadventures working at a series of menial jobs. The book is really a sad story but it’s also funny as heck. What is really sad too is that the author, John Kennedy Toole committed suicide in 1969 (at the age of 32) because he couldn’t get the novel published. Thankfully, his mother picked up the torch and finally got it published by Louisiana State University Press in 1980. It won a Pulitzer Prize in 1981.

God is blogging!

So the Managing Director is mandating that all members of the business development/sales team get in the office by 7:30am. Doesn't he realize that I'll be worthless after 11am? I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep this up. I'm too much of a night crawler to get up and out in time to be at work for 7:30am each day. Basically this means that I'm going to have to try and fall asleep by 10am. This means giving up watching Nightline, Jimmy Kimmel Live and Oprah. It sucks I tell you. It just sucks! Oh how I long for the days when I had a 8:30/9am start time.

If you are ever in the mood for good television about British politics, watch C-Span on Wednesday mornings (7am) or Sunday nights (9pm). You can watch Prime Minister Tony Blair being grilled by members of the British Parliament on whatever grievances the MPs want to raise. While some questions are submitted in advance, I’m still amazed by how well Tony Blair handles some of the random questions that get thrown at him. Last night he answered numerous questions related to potential war with Iraq, crime in London, equal funding for all higher education schools, immigration, health care for hemophiliacs, etc. Thinking this is one idea we (America) should have borrowed when Congress was established. I would love to see President Bush (or any of the former Presidents for that matter) engage in this kind of live debate with members of House or Senate. If you are interested in learning more about this House of Commons practice that dates back to the late 17th century, go here.

Former Illinois Senator Carol Mosley-Braun is considering running for the Democratic nomination for presidency of the United States of America. Since Illinois voters soundly rejected her candidacy for a second term as Senator, kind of wondering what makes her think she’ll win this nomination.

Late December, I submitted my weblog to Bloggy Opinions for review. I did so as I was looking for suggestions on how to improve. Looks like it won't happen. In reading email below which was sent yesterday, you will see that they have suspended all reviews. Oh well! I suppose at some point real life calls and we all have to move on....

"Just wanted to inform you that Bloggy Opinions is no longer conducting reviews. I don't expect that it will be back up any time soon, if at all. Having to send out reminders on a regular basis and with the loss of a few reviewers, it has been difficult to keep it running smoothly and now that I have much more to worry about (with the upcoming "war" and the possibility of my husband being deployed to Kuwait or Turkey for 6 months and other personal anomalies), it would be best to close it. The reviews that have previously been completed will remain on the site for an undetermined period of time, as well as the directory.

If you haven't already, you may want to alternately try The Weblog Review [http://www.theweblogreview.com].

Good luck in your blogging experience!

Silhouette
Bloggy Opinions"

Ladies, I know what’s below is a little crude but please forgive me. With Valentines Day behind us, I’m posting for all the boys out there who exceeded expectations with their wife/girlfriend. This was forwarded to me by a gal pal at work.

"Every 14th of February men get the chance to display their fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering them with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world."

So I went to a Chicago Bulls game last night. My first ever. I’ve been to the United Center for other things (concerts, hockey games, etc.), but never for a Bulls game. Not surprising since I’m more into college sporting events. The only real reason I was there last night is that my alumni association organized a group outing. Event was organized because team captain and starting guard Jalen Rose (also Jamal Crawford) who now plays on the Bulls went to Michigan. He spoke to our group (some 250+ strong) shortly before the game. Had a fun time hanging out with my younger sister, a friend from work along with best guy friend and his girlfriend. Evening was capped off when I met up with other friends at Spoon to celebrate another friend’s birthday.

I survived Valentines Day night. It wasn't so bad. I had agreed to go to this anti-Valentines Party at Bar Louie - Lincoln Park with my girlfriend but at the last minute I tried to back out. Let’s just say I was having a mini panic attack. But my friend laid it on heavy, so I ended up going since it is really bad form to cancel at the last minute (and she called me on the fact that I've done it quite a few times lately). Must admit I had fun as I met and talked to lots of interesting girls and boys. I never really had any doubts that I would. However, sometimes this fear comes over me and I don't want to leave my house. This mostly happens in the winter. To be honest it has been creeping up a lot more lately. Why? Well it stems from the fact that I've become more self conscious about my body. Sad but true. But as my friend told me last night, while I'm working on my weight I really shouldn't deny my public. She went on to say that I was smart, articulate, cultured (etc etc) and oh yeah beautiful and sexy! So I thank her for setting me straight and encouraging me to go out last night. You know, every now and then its nice to have someone stroke your ego.

Just sent a check for $40 to renew my Sierra Club membership. I really wasn’t going to but after receiving a third letter from the organization and some reflection on my part as to why I initially joined, decided not to let my membership lapse. About 6 years ago 5 friends and I embarked on a 14-day road trip to visit the Grand Canyon. Along the way, we camped and hiked at Rocky Mountain National Park, Bryce Canon National Park, Arches National Park, Zion National Park and Glen Canyon National Recreation Area. It was only then that I fully understood why conservationist are so protective of these national treasures. So as I relaxed one night hanging off the Grand Canyon talking to my friends about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend here (all of us were single at the time), I vowed I’d be become a life long member of the Sierra Club.

Things you should not do:

1. Down 3 glass of wine in a short period of time at a networking function when you have not eaten in over 4 hours. Particularly when function is being held at bar that does not serve food.
2. Go to McDonalds when you have already drank your Weight Watchers points away at Swank Chicago.
3. Tell the guy in front of McDonalds to fuck off when he keeps pestering you to buy a copy of Streetwise.
4. Tell your friend you will meet her at The District after said networking function even though you should be going home to sleep because you are wicked tired and you have to be at work extra early (7:30am) to hand out Valentines cards and cups of candy because you are member of the Fish Committee (Employee Spirits).
5. Run across the street and jump in front of CTA Bus screaming: “Stop in the Name of Love.”

I want to go to sleep and wake up only after Valentines Day is over. Why? Well I'm really tired from staying up until 4am this morning (don't ask) and all this talk about romance is getting to me.

I should be sleeping but I'm up doing laundry. I have plans for the next 3 night so I really needed to get it done tonight. As I wait for the clothes to dry, watching rebroadcast of Oprah. Show today focuses on finding the best of everything. Can't help but wonder if I am the only person in America who does not yet have a DVD player or TIVO? So much for being an early adopter. I want to get a DVD player but I already own two VCRs that I hardly use. I'm ashamed to admit, but I'm one of those people who never really learnt to program the darn things. And if I get a DVD player then I'm going to need to buy a new TV. The 19" TV in my living room which works perfectly fine (to me!) is almost 20 years old. I know, I've got to get with the times. But to me, it's just not really worth it. Then again, maybe I just don't know what I'm missing.

So it looks like we are really going to war again. I'm scared. This time around, something tells me that it’s going to be a lot worse than Desert Storm. More soldiers will come home in body bags. And right here in the good old USA terrorist are likely to strike. I feel helpless knowing that there is not much I can do to prevent the war. I feel helpless in the thought that should a biological attack occur here in The Windy City, there is not much I can do to really increase my chances for survival. Let's not kid ourselves, should something actually happen (and I hope not), plastic sheeting and duct tape is not going to save my life. So even thought I'm scared, I'll only buy some extra bottled water, but beyond that, I'll do nothing.

So this guy I know who I thought I liked just called my house and asked for another woman. Ouch! Now I think I really need a drink....

Update (9:20pm): Who needs a glass, I'm drinking Brandy straight from the bottle. Arrrh...I really needed that. I feel better!

Another hard day at work. I spent most of the time on the phone being rejected. Cold calling these days is not much fun! You learn early on in your sales career that it most often is never personal, but it's hard when you hear no so many times in one day. So I'm sitting here trying to relax by watching The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All. I should be downstairs doing laundry (I haven't done it in over a month) but I have no energy. I need someone to take care of me. Hmmm, maybe I just need to get myself a maid. No, not the chore boy type. A real maid -- someone to come in once a week and help me keep things straight. I've been thinking about it, but I can't bring myself to do it. Having grown up in a poor working class single family household, it just doesn't seem right. I only have 800sq feet to keep in order. But I definitely need help. For petes sake, I still have my (fake) christmas tree up.

Sometimes it's best to admire people from afar because if you get close enough to have a conversation, the illusion is often broken never to be returned.

For the first time in 9 years, I’m no longer in therapy. But over these years, I’ve done it all – individual, family and group sessions. I use to be embarrassed to talk about it, but there is nothing wrong with analysis. Having said that, last night I went to my last group session. After two years, I felt like I had gotten everything to gain from others within the group. Plus, I’m so much further along in my personal development. I have a network, a support system. I have a circle of friends. I’m on better terms with members of my family. So as scary as it seems, I’m ready for whatever comes my way. I’m sure there will be times where I’ll long for the group or even individual sessions, but I’ll muddle through. For far too long life has been about what happened on and before March 11, 1994 (the day my Mom died). While I won’t forget, I’m ready to move on. As cheesy as it sounds, I’m ready to seize the day!

At some point in every job, you start to go negative -- and it is at this point that you start to rethink your career and wonder about your choices. That happened for me today. As much as I’ve tried to stay above the fray and not feed into all the negativity, I just couldn’t resist anymore. This is sad as I’ve only been with my current firm for 6months -- I really was hoping it wouldn’t happen so early in my tenure. I suppose I just underestimated the difficulty of my role when I took the position. At my former job, I was use to working for a gorilla in the industry. That didn’t guarantee that your team would win the business, but at least you were invited to the table. Here things are different. I don’t work for one of the “big four” consulting firms. And while I am able to overcome many of the objections to help team get invited to the table, our team don’t seem to be able to convert enough of the opportunities to hard revenue. So everyone is pointing fingers and management is micromanaging the heck out of us. I just want to scream! How much more am I expected to give? Surely not my first born. Having said that, I plan to stick with it. Difficult times like these forces me to grow and become better at what I do. So as much as I want to blame upper management for what is wrong with my firm, I know I could do more to increase our chances for success.

A word of advice told to me by my best guy friend over the phone this evening: "you’re blog is for you, you don’t have an obligation to post for your readers." Ah yes, how could I forget the #1 commandment of blogging! So I guess I should keep this in mind before I go ranting about other people's blog.

South Knox Bubba is on a roll today. Go read his post about the state of America since President Bush took office.

Looks like I was one of the last people to see a movie at Loews Cineplex at 900 N. Michigan Ave. The same night I saw Antowne Fisher there was the same night the theatre closed. In it's place will be the overpriced Equinox Fitness Club. Great! Just what we need. NOT!

So I'm feeling a little embarrassed by my last post. I want to unpublish it, but it's what I was feeling at that particular moment in time so I'm going to let it stand. Needless to say, I've regained my composure; perhaps because I've found other blogs to fill the void. In fact, I'm sitting here reading one of my neighbor's blog who has added me to his blogroll (thanks Kris!). I'm not sure if he's completely real either, but according to Geourl, we live less than a mile from each other so I'm more likely to run in to him at the local Dominick's.

I'm becoming neurotic. One of my favorite blogs hasn’t been updated since Saturday and I'm wondering what the heck is going on - the person didn't mention they were going to be away (or maybe they did and I just don't remember). Checking every hour today looking for an update is just driving me crazy. Gosh, this is just awful! I need to start reading more books again. Prior to blogging, I use to read a lot more. In fact, I'd finish anywhere from 3-5 books a month. Here it is mid February and I've only finished one book so far -- and that's only because it was required reading for book club. Books and movies were my daily escape from my own reality. While I still go to the movies, I've substituted reading other peoples weblogs for books. Not a good idea. At least with books I know I'll eventually get to the end. With weblogs I keep coming back day after day wanting to finding out how things are progressing getting somewhat frustrated because I can't control the pace at which the story is told. Gosh, I wonder if anyone out there is feeling the same way. More importantly, does anyone feel that way about my blog? I think I need to step back. I should never become so vested in the lives of people I've never met face to face. For all I know, they’re not even real....

This is probably more information than you need to know, but I’m thinking about it so I’m going to share. Basically, I haven’t had any self-love for the last 2 months. The streak started shortly before my family arrived for the holidays and I thought I would continue to see how long I could last. I won’t tell you when the streak ends, but its getting more and more difficult. I came late to life to self-love. It wasn’t until the summer before my senior year in college that I actually tried to do it. I'm not sure what came over me that day as I laid on the couch, but it was like I'd discovered something bewitching. Only then did I know what the tremor was supposed to feel like. Sad but true.

I was pleased to see that John Grisham has a new book out called The King of Torts. I don't know if it’s any good but I plan to read it. While his books have gotten quite formulaic over the years, I’m still a fan of work. Maybe because I started reading him long before it was chic to read his books. I own first editions of all of his books. My favorite goes back to his first, A Time to Kill. But it was his second book The Firm that made me a true devotee. What a page turner....one of the best legal thrillers I've ever read.

I went to my local Borders today to pick up this months’ book club selection and ended up seeing two movies at the theatre next door. First movie I saw this afternoon was Adaptation, a somewhat twisted story about screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Nicolas Cage) who is having difficulty writing a screenplay about Susan Orlean's (Meryl Streep) nonfiction novel The Orchid Thief. I’m not entirely sure I liked the movie, with its endless twist and turns -- especially the Hollywood ending, but it left me wanting more. Maybe that’s why I went to see a second film. In City of God a photographer named Rocket tells the stories of his childhood growing up in one of the most crime-ridden areas of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The stories are completely shocking as “some” children grow up using hard drugs (forget marijuana think cocaine) and killing people like there is nothing to it. While the cops would appear every now and then, they were on the take to the drug dealers. This made me wonder about the parents. Everything and everyone is out of control. A sad story but as Reel.com indicated in their review, wildly entertaining.

It's one of those crazy nights on AOL. Then again, not really. It's not the first time I've gotten this type of request.

Ital2srve [7:42 PM]: hello Miss...intrested in a chore boy?
ME [7:43 PM]: a chore boy?
Ital2srve [7:44 PM]: yes to do household chores,wash car,massage feet etc.....
ME [7:45 PM]: what do you get out of it?
Ital2srve [7:45 PM]: just to clean your shoes and smell and kiss your nylon feet
ME [7:47 PM]: don't you want more?
Ital2srve [7:47 PM]: just to be treated poorly
ME [7:49 PM]: That's kind of sick....
Ital2srve [7:50 PM]: why
ME [7:50 PM]: well you want to be treated poorly....shouldn't you want to be treated well? with respect?
Ital2srve [7:51 PM]: no Maam ...i want to serve at an Ebony Goddess's feet
ME [7:52 PM]: why an Ebony Goddess?
Ital2srve [7:52 PM]: i just want to serve an Ebony Queen
Ital2srve [7:52 PM]: i feel that she might treat me a little worse
Ital2srve [7:54 PM]: what do you think
ME [7:55 PM]: a little worse?
Ital2srve [7:55 PM]: yes
ME [7:55 PM]: why?
Ital2srve [7:55 PM]: because i am white
ME [7:55 PM]: so
ME [7:56 PM]: well? explain yourself....
Ital2srve [7:57 PM]: i just thoughta black woman would enjoy using a wht boy as her slave
ME [7:59 PM]: what makes you think that?
Ital2srve [7:59 PM]: just do
ME [8:00 PM]: have you experienced this first hand?
Ital2srve [8:00 PM]: no Maam
ME [8:01 PM]: so what made you decide to try me?
Ital2srve [8:02 PM]: just found your screen name through a profile search
ME [8:02 PM]: have you had any takers on your offer?
Ital2srve [8:03 PM]: only a couple but i do not think they are serious
ME [8:03 PM]: why not?
Ital2srve [8:03 PM]: maybe they think i am not serious
ME [8:04 PM]: You’re a freak

*********************************************************
In case you're wondering, what's in my AOL profile, read below. Nothing there indicates that I would enjoy being a dominatrix. Basically, he sent IM to me because I was black. How annoying!

Name: UBEE (black female/32 yrs old)
Location: Chicago, IL
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Single
Hobbies & Interests: Books, Movies, Restaurants, Antiques & The Great Outdoors
Occupation: Business Development for Accounting/Finance Consulting Firm
Personal Quote: Of all the chat rooms on the internet in all the world....he had to type his way into mine!

I'm being a lamo. Here it is Saturday night and I've decided to stay home. I was supposed to go to this party being hosted by these French people but I'm taking a pass. Why? In my quest to get in shape, I've managed to reactivate an old injury. Specifically, I'm having pain in my lower back again. So I think I should stay off my feet tonight. But I really want to go. According to evite responses, there are slated to be around 60 people at this Valentine Pink Party. I’ll just have to see how I feel in a few hours….I know this party won’t end until around 4ish so I’ve got time.

In case you are curious about my stats, below is a summary for visits:

Total 1,773
Average Per Day 32
Average Visit Length 2:44
Last Hour 13
Today 25
This Week 227

I'm not going to win any popularity contest with these kind of numbers, but not bad for 2 months of blogging.

I had a follow-up visit with nutritionist today. I lost 2lbs. Yeah! I know it's not much but after being in such a funky mood yesterday, I needed this small victory! To celebrate, I went and had lunch at a local The Great Steak & Potatoe franchise. Not the brightest idea. I almost keeled over when I got back to my desk and discover that the french fries I had were 25points on the weight watchers plan. Yikes! Guess, I'll definitely going to have to keep my date with the gym tonight.

So I went to the movies tonight looking to escape my only reality. However, instead of choosing something mindless, I choose to see Antwone Fisher which left me in tears. This is a story about a young man who is trying to deal with his anger due to the fact that his father was murdered before he was born, his biological mother abandoned him as a child and his foster parents were abusive. This only made me think more about my own life. I really don't know which is worse, never knowing your mother, or loosing her at a young age. Whatever way, it makes it extremely difficult for the children left behind. It's been 9 years now since mom died. I know they say it gets easier with time, but I'm not sure I really agree. Sometimes it hurts so much and seems so unfair. But who said life was supposed to be fair. Ok, sucking it up before I start crying again….

Came in to work agitated this morning after waiting 45 minutes for a CTA bus. Oh many drove by, however they were all packed to capacity. And it just got better once I arrived at work. In a span of 20 minutes, I managed to delete all the phone numbers (1000+) in my contact system so I can't call anybody. What kind of system allows you to do that? I tell you...a crappy one! Now waiting for IT to rebuild my database. It might take all day. I'm in such a cruddy mood that I'm not even having any fun cruising my favorite sites on the Internet. I might just go to a movie later. I can’t go home like this….

A Diva in the making. Go here for pictures of my niece taken on Christmas day. Her and her American Girl Doll are wearing the same outfit.

News Flash! I posted a new photo of self. It's not sure I really like the picture but I took it myself and was trying to show off my new hair cut. I've gotten quite a few compliments about my haircut, so I'm going to try and keep it up. But it's difficult to manage in this in between stage -- not long, yet not short! So we'll see. Supposedly it's more becoming of me.

I find it difficult to manage all the email I get. Much of it junk. It doesn't help that I've got more email addresses than I care to count. I suppose I should just consolidate, but I need them all. Depending on who you are, you may get my main email account or a sub-account. Why do I do this? Because who has time to read all the crap companies send. You know, some of the worst offenders are so called friends who continue to send me chain emails despite the fact that I've asked them not to. Just yesterday, I emailed this friend from my youth asking her not to send me any more chain letters. She sent a note back saying she totally understood. Then tonight, I open my email bin and what do I see? Another two chain emails from her. I just want to scream. Thinking I'm going to have to block her email address. I hate to do it, but I only have time to give one warning!

If you're a survivor fan, you may be interested in following the blog version. Season Two: The Revenge of Blogwhore started early January.

Can't help but share section from recent Allan Sloan article in Newsweek titled: Bush's Depressing Economy:

"U.S. stocks have lost almost $5 trillion of value since Bush took office two years ago, a mind-blowing decline. The market has fallen more (in percentage terms) during Bush’s first two years than in the first two years of any modern president, including Herbert Hoover, who was in charge when the Great Depression began. And you can’t blame the Bush Market on the trauma of 9-11: stocks fell at a much faster rate from Bush’s Inauguration through Sept. 10, 2001, than they have since. Unemployment is up more than 40 percent (to 6 percent, from 4.2) since Bush took office; gigantic projected federal-budget surpluses have turned into deficits; the dollar has fallen sharply against the euro. The good news: interest rates have fallen, juicing consumer spending."

Oh wait! It gets better.

"The president’s response to our problems has been to propose tax cuts that offer little in the way of short-term stimulus.....He’s not the first president to want to cut taxes—but he is the only president in at least 140 years (and probably ever) to suggest cutting taxes as we’re heading into a war. This all makes for a troubling picture for anyone hoping the economy and the market will resume booming as soon as the war with Iraq is behind us. Sooner or later the economy will fix itself, because it always does. The question is whether Bush’s policies will advance the recovery—or delay it."

God help us!

Based on what was recently revealed by Michael Jackson himself, I consider him a sick fuck and his children should immediately be removed. How can he saw things like "I have slept in bed with many children ... it’s what the whole world should do....sleeping with children was very right, very loving, very charming, very sweet”? I hope the California Department for Social Services investigates. This is all very sick. Makes me want to barf!

So I'm beaming with pride. Earlier this evening my nomination to Board of Directors for University of Michigan Club of Chicago was approved. I know this 3 year tenure means a lot of work but I'm excited about the opportunity. About 14,000 Alumni live in Chicagoland area of which 6,300 are members of the association. So it's a huge honor. While I became a life time member when I graduated from Michigan in 1992, only in the last year have I gotten involved in alumni association by organizing various sports teams. So I'm looking forward to branching out and doing much more with the group.

From checking my stats, uncovered that someone out there in reading my journal in portuguese using Google Language Tools. Wicked cool! Go check it out here. Hopefully the translation is accurate.

Boys. I just don't understand them. They tell you one thing and do another. So frustrating....

After church this morning, went and saw the movie Chicago. Renée Zellweger gave a great performance as Roxie Hart; but Catherine Zeta-Jones was more deserving of the Golden Globe Award. As Velma Kelly she shows her range as she belts out her numbers and dances her ass off. Hopefully, the Academy Awards gets it right. Queen Latifah and Richard Gere also gave great performances. Thus, this is one movie I'll actually pay to go see again.

Btw, Bob Fosse gets all the credit for taking this musical to Broadway, but lets not forget Maurine Dallas Watkins the playwright who in 1926 wrote Chicago. Inspiration for play came from stories she wrote while a crime reporter for the Chicago Tribune. In the movie, think Miss Sunshine.

This morning, after semi-annual visit to dentist for cleaning, my younger sister and I went and got our hair done. My younger sister was pleased. She has been bugging me for months to do a girls day at the salon but I've resisted. But now, I need to. You see I took out my braids over the long MLK weekend and didn't get them put back in. After spending 16+ hours to take out (I did it by myself), I just wasn't willing to spend another 8+ hours to get them redone. So I got my hair cut and I'm wearing it out which is somewhat problematic since I don't have a perm. Thinking of wearing an afro, but that might be a bit too drastic for my corporate job. We'll see. If I don't put the braids back in, come summer I'm going natural. And this my friend, is another incentive to loose weight.

P.S. I'll post an updated picture soon!

I have a habit of leaving my television on all night. It's my alarm clock for the next morning. Thus, I usually wake up to the morning news. Sometimes that's ok. But other times, it can be quite disturbing. This was such a morning. Sadness came over me when I heard that Space Shuttle Columbia had blown to pieces over Texas. It also made me think of where I was 17 years ago when I heard that Space Shuttle Challenger exploded. To be exact, I was on my way from gym to accounting class in high school. The whole thing was such a shock. While this is a little easier to deal with, I feel for the families and their loss. May they take comfort in the fact that the astronauts on board were serving their respective countries and died doing what they loved.