Ursula's Not So Secret History

What is with me and ex boyfriends? They never seem to go away and stay away.

Case in point, MrFixItGuy called me on Friday. Considering our heated exchange during our last conversation almost two months ago, I was surprised to hear from him. Then again, not really. All the things I'd been holding back on saying, I really let it all out. I was oh so angry!

Anyway, he called as he wanted to check on me -- see how I was doing. I just laughed internally because I knew this was his way of saying he missed me. So I played it cool during our 30 minute long conversation.

Then on Saturday he called back again. He wanted to apologise for something he said. This was so unlike him. And perhaps it was a sign that he was finally listening to me! So I accepted his apology and made a hasty retreat as I was actually going out to a party.

Now I need to decide whether or not to accept future calls. He wants to be friends but not sure if it makes sense right now. Talking to him just stirs up emotions and is a total distraction. I really don't need that right now. I need more time to pass before I can do the friend thing.

But hey, not going to think about it too much right now. I'm busy with work and now counting down the days until I depart for my first major holiday in nearly 3 years. WhooHoo!!!

Times sure are a changing. As who could have ever imagined that the British & the French would sign a treaty to have: "joint use of aircraft carries, 10,000-strong joint expeditionary force and unprecedented new levels of co-operation over nuclear missiles." Lord Nelson who bravely defeated the French during the Battle of Trafalgar in the Napoleonic Wars must be rolling over in his grave!!!

Britain and France sign landmark 50-year defence deal Patrick Wintour, political editor, Guardian.co.uk, Tuesday 2 November 2010

Britain and France today signed a landmark 50-year treaty on defence and security that envisages the joint use of aircraft carriers, a 10,000-strong joint expeditionary force and unprecedented new levels of co-operation over nuclear missiles.

The deal, signed in London by David Cameron and the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, has in part been forced on the two countries as they struggle with tightening defence budgets, but also reflects a level of mutual trust not seen for decades.

At a joint press conference at Lancaster House, Cameron repeatedly stressed that the agreement strengthened British sovereignty as he said it opened a new chapter in Anglo-French relations.

Seeking to defend himself from a Eurosceptic assault, with one Tory MP describing the French as "duplicitous", Cameron stressed the treaties would not weaken British sovereignty and did not amount to a sharing of the UK's nuclear deterrent.

He said: "Britain and France will be sovereign nations able to deploy our forces independently and in our national interest when we choose to do so.

"The two largest defence budgets in Europe are recognising that if we come together and work together we increase not just our joint capacity, but crucially we increase our own individual sovereign capacity so that we can do more things alone as well as together."

Sarkozy hailed the agreement in even more enthusiastic terms: "This is a decision that is unprecedented and it shows a level of co-operation and confidence between our two nations that is unique in history."

Cameron stressed that Britain would retain he ability to fight alone, but pointed out that British troops had in practice only operated independently twice in the past 30 years - in Sierra Leone and in the Falklands. The bulk of UK military activity was undertaken in co-operation with allies, and he said anything that strengthened overall UK military capacity would be welcomed by Brtain's international partners, including the US.

He described the agreement as a "practical, hard-headed agreement between two sovereign countries". The prime minister said the agreement would reduce development costs, eliminate duplication and align research programmes.

Britain and France were natural partners as the third and fourth largest forces in the world, he said, calling France a logical sensible and practical partner. "It is the start of something new," Cameron said, adding: "The treaty is based on pragmatism, not just sentiment."

So here we are, two months to go before the end of 2010.

Was it all I'd hope it would be? Well to be honest no. I'd really hoped that I would have found love by now. But hey, I suppose it just isn't my time - yet! And so I'm trying to be patient and focus on other things like: losing weight, shoring up my business, etc.

I should say that MrFixItGuy made a re-appearance. After months of being apart, he came to visit me in London. We talked but nothing really changed. Did I want it to progress? Honestly, YES! Despite the reservations and doubts about him being the one, in my head, I just couldn't seem to let it go. Interestingly, Racquetball Guy has been very good at helping me through the whole situation.

Specifically, he's helped me realise that as much as MrFixItGuy talked about loving me, his actions said something completely different. Also, while I perhaps didn't mean to hurt his feelings by saying "maybe we should be just friends," there was truth in that statement so I need to own it.

And now after six months of heartache, things are finally over. Thank goodness! What's refreshing is that I now have no desire to walk that path again. I'm not saying that I don't think about him, because honestly, I still do. But I know in time I'll think about him less and less which will be good as I'll finally have space in my heart for someone else; someone who will be much more compatible. I can't wait. In the meantime, I'm making the effort to enjoy myself and be more social. Yeah me!

I had a fews days of intense partying over the Notthing Hill Carnival weekend. The picture below sums things up perfectly.

Nothing like a birthday to put things into perspective. And celebrating a milestone birthday is even more special.

Today I am FORTY, Fine, Fit, Fierce, Formidable, Fearless, Fortunate, Festive, Fruitful, Faithful, Fanciful, Fantastic, Flirtatious, Funny, Friendly, & Feeling F$%king Fabulous. So yes, even with all the recent boyfriend drama, life is good!

Via a friend on Facebook, I came across this quote:

"If I am amazing, I won't be easy. If I am easy, I won't be amazing. If I am worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy."

This nicely sums up my journey so far with finding a suitable partner.

Fuck! The heart wants, what the heart wants. Oh so annoying. I mean, why else do I continue to dream about MrFixIt Guy?

Seriously, I want and need to be SO OVER that situation.

He's not the one. I know that.

Hopefully, my new distraction will make these continued dreams go away.

What distraction am I speaking of?

Well towards the end of all the madness with MrFixIt Guy, on advice of BestGuyFriend and others, i joined eharmony.co.uk.

I'd been thinking about it before I started dating him, but now that the situation was over in such a disasterous manner, I realised that I needed to focus on finding someone that was truly compatible.

Eharmony.co.uk seem like the best option out of all the dating sites. And I've been a paying member since the end of June.

So far I've engaged in email dialogue with a few gentlemen, but every time it got to the stage of talking via the phone, I bolted.

Then MrPropertyDeveloper appeared two weeks ago. I almost didn't response to his request to begin communication, but I thought -- what the hell? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Since then, things have progressed and we are now communicating via the phone. In fact, we've had two intense conversations. The first lasted 2 hours; the second lasted 5 hours.

Based on these talks, he sounds ideal perfect but I'll reserve judgement until we meet. There is talk of a date sometime this week. So we'll see. He just might be everything I am truly looking for -- he is successful, smart, educated, cultured, honest, sincere, good looking, etc. More importantly, he gets me. He really gets me!

I dreamt about MrFixIt Guy again.

This time the dream wasn't so pleasant.

In the dream he sent an email indicating that we were over!

Reason being that he was financially broke (not sure what this has to do with anything) and that he was dating another woman.

Interestingly, it wasn't the same woman he's currently linked to on Facebook.

Either way, it was all rather unsettling.

But perhaps on some level this is me coming to terms that it's definitely over!

I spoke with Racquetball Guy today.

Why? Well I broke down and phoned him last night and he returned the call today.

Yeah, I know the situation is somewhat toxic, but after the whole MrFixIt Guy situation, I found it comforting to speak to him. He understands me. Plus he can handle my directness.

That said, have no fear, we are not getting back together. It's just a new attempt at friendship. Only time will tell if that's even possible.

Oh, in case your wondering about Racquetball's health, well he is feeling a bit more optimistic these days. As he recently consulted with a new set of doctors and an operation is planned for early August. So fingers crossed it will be a success.

I've been trying desperately not to think about MrFixIt Guy and I'm failing miserable.

I just don't understand. We only dated for a short while. Perhaps it was the intensity of it all that still captivates me.

Perhaps its the fact that my 40th birthday is approaching and I was hoping that we would celebrate together.

Anyway, I woke up this morning dreaming about him.

I was in a room surrounded by people. He comes in; walks direct towards me and gives me a big kiss on the lips.

It was as if he was telling the world that we belonged to each other.

There was much hugging and affection. We were back together.

Perhaps all just a bit of wishful thinking.