Today would have been my Mom’s sixtieth birthday. I’m trying to keep my emotions in check as it’s been 18 years since she passed but it’s still rather difficult. I can’t help but daydream about what could have been. She died so young. Heck, she was the age I am now. So even though I’m sad, I’m giving thanks. I have lots of wonderful memories of her and my own journey has really just begun. Plus as Basherter likes to remind me, she is off in another dimension and is most likely upset that I’m still mourning her. It doesn’t mean that I forget about her; just celebrate all that she accomplished while she was here and live life to the fullest. He has a point. Anyway, below is a picture of her taken in 1993 around her 42nd birthday. The fruit punch and cake were so delicious!
One of the biggest regrets surrounding my mother’s death, is that I didn’t take part in her funeral service. Truth be told by the time she died, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I just let others take over. All my effort the proceeding months had been consumed with trying to keep her alive, to get her on a path to remission, that when the end came, I had nothing left.
But I really do wish I had said something during the service. Even if it was just to read a poem. The one that comes to mind time and time again, when I think about my mother is Phenomenal Woman by Dr. Maya Angelou. Now I’m sure some will say it’s not appropriate for a funeral — but I suppose I want to remember my mother in better days. She was a great source of strength. Anyway, below is audio of me reading this poem last year.
It’s been eighteen years today since I held my mother’s hands as she took her last breath. Eighteen years since I heard her say her final words: “God is good.” Eighteen years since I picked up the bible as I heard the death rattle and read to her the Book of Psalms.
And after all these years, it’s suppose to be easier. I’m not suppose to cry or even be angry because there has been enough time to bring about acceptance of it all. But I don’t know — it just all still seems so unfair that she was taken from me, my sister, the rest of the family and really the world all too soon.
So I trust that God will soon enough reveal to me his master plan because if I’m honest, after all these years, I don’t know and I’m tired – really bushed. I’m tired that I’ve had to be so brave. I’m tired that I walk this earth alone. Sure there are people around me who love me, but without my mother’s love and guidance, life just seems empty.
Christ! Is this too much truth? Maybe! But it’s still what I’m feeling. It’s all real and whereas I may have forgotten what happened to me last year, I remember every little detail surrounding my mother’s death. I can’t shake it. Maybe I’m not supposed to be able to.
Interestingly, when I saw the psychic last fall, my mother came through in the reading. This stranger, who didn’t know me, was able to reveal to me in great detail the circumstances surrounding my mother’s death — all in a matter of minutes. Furthermore, she went on to tell me that Mom was looking down on me being my guardian angel guiding me in the right direction and so I’m grateful for that. Also, that she is surrounded by family and friends who are all supportive and loving to her.
So yeah, while I hope to walk this earth for another fifty years at least, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look forward to the day when I would see her in the afterlife. I have to believe that this is possible as there is still so much to say and share. I have to believe as I know this pain inside me won’t go away until I hold her hands again.
Today is Nenen’s birthday. Now 92, she is still very much young at
heart and looking absolutely fabulous! So may God continue to bless her
with a great memory and good health so that she can live long into the
foreseeable future. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NENEN! Know that you are much
loved by family and friends far and wide!
As I reflect on her life these past nine decades, it hasn’t always been easy for her but she’s been quite resilient over the years. Also, instead of focusing on the disappointments, she pushes forward and focuses on the positive. Nothing really fazes her (notice the lack of wrinkles?). Plus she is so inviting to family, friends — heck even strangers and will give you what she has if she knows you genuinely need it. It’s for these reasons why I aspire to be more like her. She’s a great role model on how to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and take what God has given you and live a rich, full and rewarding life.
Today would have been my mom’s 59th birthday. And while she may be gone, she is still dearly missed and definitely not forgotten. Particularly as she is now my angel and as Robbie Williams said:
“and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call she wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead”
She is my angel and I know won’t forsake me!