Heck, I'm optimistic that this year (2012) will be the year I meet my life partner, my soulmate! Why? Well I went to this psychic last December and during the reading she so easily told me about specific events from my past, that when it came to her predictions for my future, I'm confident they will come true. So it's all about getting my mind, body and soul ready to welcome all that is coming to me. I can't wait.
My life so far has been truly blessed but it's also been quite lonely. Yes, I'm admitting that. Sure it's great to have family and friends who love and care about you - but without a life partner to share things with, there is a certain emptiness. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a man to complete me, I just would like someone to share things with; someone to build a life and family with. And oh yeah, look after me now again. Having to do things alone is exhausting.
And now is my time, my moment. Destiny is on my side -- so past relationships or negative thoughts are not going to stop me from moving forward and having the kind of life that I so desire. I've been through my worst and the best is definitely yet to come.
]]>Enough was enough and I really meant it. In many ways, him being here had brought about the long desired closure I needed. Sure I had initially thought it would be a rekindling of our romance, but the reality is that I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust him to be there during the difficult times and so for me, that was a major deal breaker. I need someone in my life that isn't going to retreat like a shrinking violet when things go wrong, when things get difficult.
So do I expect to hear from him at any point in the future? Yes! Men find it difficult to stay away. That's not me being arrogant, that's just the reality. And if he does move to London this spring, then I expect to hear from him, sooner rather than later. But the reality is that if when he calls, I won't engage as I have nothing more to say to him. We're not a match on any level. Thus, there is no room in my life for him. And no, I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship of any kind. Not at this stage in my life. I really don't have time or the energy to deal with ex-boyfriends that I once thought could be my future husband and father to my children.
Heck, even if they weren't "husband material," I still don't want to maintain contact. I've had to say this to MrFixItGuy a few times last year. Heck, I've ignored 99% of his calls and text messages and he still pursues. Comical really, because when I wanted him to pay attention to me, he was off being distracted elsewhere. And now that I want nothing to do with him, he's is chasing and said he won't give up until he wins me back.
Anyway, that's that. I'm done with the dead weight. Time to move on and I know I can't do that if I'm looking back and allowing these old relationships/friends to still dominate.
Getting him to start, was an incentive for me to recommit myself. I've been trying and meaning to commit more seriously to this blog, but simply haven't properly followed through. This is despite the fact that I'd really, really like to document my personal history more. The journey is like a roller coaster with many highs and lows and so years from now, I really do want to look back on all that I've been through.
So instead of just posting on Facebook, I need to do it more here. Because really on Facebook, I say a lot but then I don't really say much. It's all surface stuff not because I don't want to share my real self. More that I'm not sure it's the right forum. Plus it would be disjoined and I'd hate for someone to read a post out of context and without benefit of previous posts.
So, here's goes another attempt to recommit. To tell me story, honestly and openly without worry or fear as to what others will think of me. For better or worse, this is after all supposed to be a documentation of my: no so secret history.
As I reflect on her life these past nine decades, it hasn't always been easy for her but she's been quite resilient over the years. Also, instead of focusing on the disappointments, she pushes forward and focuses on the positive. Nothing really fazes her (notice the lack of wrinkles?). Plus she is so inviting to family, friends -- heck even strangers and will give you what she has if she knows you genuinely need it. It's for these reasons why I aspire to be more like her. She's a great role model on how to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and take what God has given you and live a rich, full and rewarding life.
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This story that I initially thought was fiction is so sad and really society has a lot to answer for -- starting with her family.
]]>But one last thing: if you were the man you claim to be, you'd give me back that which you took from me under false pretence, that which is truly mine. But i know your empty promises won't amount to much so I'll let get God deal with you. FINALLY: I'm done. YOU HEAR ME: DONE! DONE! DONE!
]]>That couldn't be further from the truth. Now do I love him like I did in the beginning before we had much of the drama? No, it would have taken some time to get back there again. But I certainly didn't hate him. I liked him and was becoming quite fond of him again.
Either way, if I didn't like him, would I have?
Seriously, if I didn't like him, would I do all that? Now perhaps I wasn't lovey dovey enough, but as I said to him at the beginning of the week, I needed to take things slow. I wanted to make sure he was in it for the long haul. But no surprise, at the first sign of difficulty, he went inwards and ran.
Perhaps it's my fault for being so inviting via the phone and our instant messages. I perhaps gave the impression that I didn't have any reservations. That clearly was incorrect.
Either way, if you loved someone who you hadn't seen in a few years and knew that they were being cautious, wouldn't you still give them time? At least the full amount of time you had committed to spending with them? That way, there would be no doubt one way or the other. Hmmmm.
]]>Then Sunday night came and I was a basket case after he walked through the door from the game. He said how much he missed me and wished I had been there with him. After all, it was an outing he had planned for both of us.
Furthermore, he wanted to know if there was anything he could do to make it right. He basically wanted to take back what he had said the night before because he loved me and didn't want to be in London without me.
But even though the tears started to come, my defiance continued. I thought, how could I trust this man who had once again, given up at the first hurdle. What would really happen if things got truly difficult? So even though he kept asking, I kept saying no.
Then this morning, I felt different but I couldn't bring myself to articulate it. Not without taking a shower first; actually a bath. But before I could get out of the bath properly he said he was leaving. He was going to take an early flight home. I was dumbfounded and stunned into silence.
And by the time I got dressed and came downstairs, he was gone. Not even a proper goodbye. So I decided to call him. I wanted him to come back and said as much, but he wasn't budging. He wanted to go home and think things through.
I said that if he didn't he could consider us finished for good. I wasn't going to wait another 6 months for him, not with this kind of goodbye. Also, I didn't want to receive any more calls or emails from him. My saying this, made no difference and the tears came. And after haning up, I texted him quite a few times and to my astonishment no response.
And so my readers that's that -- the end; truly, this time! And I hereby declare that I will: "Stop dancing with ghosts. Yesterday is dead: [i will] bury it and be done with it!"
Enough with the roller coaster ride. It's not fun anymore. It's stopped being fun a long time ago which is why it's all been so difficult. So I need to be strong so that the next time he calls (he will), I ignore and stick to the decision I've made here today. Done is done!