Breadcrumbs

This past Wednesday was the 21st anniversary of my mother’s death. I know people say that it gets easier as the years go on, but for me it hasn’t– perhaps because our family unit hasn’t really recovered. To be exact, I am not on speaking terms with my younger sister. I made the decision a few years ago to distant myself from all her drama. Heck, to be honest, its one of the reasons I left Chicago. I just didn’t know how to be supportive without continually having to rescue her every time she got herself into a difficult situation.

On a positive note, my older sister and I are on much better terms. We’ve had our differences over the years but we are now in a better place. We speak regularly and there is no drama. If only that could have been around the time mom died. Perhaps I would have stayed in Boston. Perhaps then my favorite nephew wouldn’t to this day blame me (really the two of us) for the brake up of our family unit. Goodness – why is it all so difficult? Hmmmm

Thoughts of my mother and what could have been weren’t the only thing on my mind this week. You see, Basherter texted me on Tuesday out of the blue to say hello. Apparently he was thinking of me. I played it cool initially but then lost my temper. Why? Well he has yet to apologize for the abrupt end to our friendship nearly two years ago. Granted I was the one that said enough already but I only did so because I felt disrespected and taken advantage of.

So for him to start a conversation — granted via text message — without leading with an apology was beyond infuriating. And really I had to challenge him because this wasn’t the first text message. You see, he also sent one at Christmas. He didn’t apologize then but I just let it slide. This time around, I wasn’t having any of it and he seemed surprised that I was upset or that we were having a standoff. Seriously, how can he be so frigging clueless? We use to speak every day. Then it all stopped. Anyway, this attempt just sent me over the edge.

I AM BEYOND UPSET and truthfully, an emotional wreck. Yes, it’s partly to do with my mother but Basherter’s behavior has also triggered an inner rage. Fury at him and other men of his ilk who have come into my life and taken from me emotionally but don’t give back on equal terms. They offer breadcrumbs and think it’s enough. And really, it’s no longer enough. It wasn’t when I was 22 years old. And its not now when I’m 44 years old.

So NO — don’t call or text to tell me that you are thinking of me when you aren’t prepared to have the difficult conversation to perhaps see if it was possible to get our friendship back on track. Just leave me the fuck alone. I made my choice two years ago. You did likewise and in that NOTHING has changed, I don’t want to receive your drive-by messages.

But what of the feelings I might still have for you? They don’t matter because as previously stated what you offer is just breadcrumbs, so keep your I’m thinking of you and I didn’t realise we were in a standoff text messages to YOURSELF. I deserve better. So come right or not at all.

ENOUGH NOW! REALLY!

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