The Long Goodbye

So despite the best of intentions, it’s been another few months since I’ve posted here. So what’s new? Well work is quite busy. In fact, it’s really stressful and there are many days I wonder what the heck I got myself into. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in the city which is definitely not what I had planned. There is so much pressure to deliver its unreal. So how long will I stick with it? In all honesty, I don’t know. To get myself through it all, I’ve set milestones but I really do just take each day as they come.

On a personal front, still struggling with my weight. I just don’t enjoy cooking. In fact, I have a love hate relationship with food. I almost wish I didn’t need it to survive because I can’t get into the habit of making sensible choices day in day out. Perhaps if there was someone in my life, things would be different. Meaning, I’d make better choices but as it stands I come home from work exhausted and the thought of cooking is just not appealing. But not giving up hope. Someday soon, I know I’ll get it right!

With regards to my romantic life, I’m still single. I have no answers for this other than to say I just don’t meet men. Not at work and definitely not when I’m out and out. Of course, I haven’t really been out and about that much which is perhaps part of the problem. And attempts online – I’ve joined eharmony again – aren’t being fruitful. Disappointing, but I suppose I’m not ready. As how else do you explain me being single all these year?

Perhaps I haven’t been ready because despite my best effort, emotional entanglements with men (well really one man) in distant lands continue. But not anymore. I have ended my friendship with Basherter. It just reached a point where I decided it was no longer healthy to have him in my life; particularly as he consumed so much energy but gave back so little in return. So what was the trigger? Well he recently forgot my birthday and I found this completely unacceptable. We had communicated via WhatsApp almost daily and had chatted about my birthday in the preceding weeks/days. Yet when the day came, no birthday greeting was forthcoming just a couple of text messages about other random stuff; things he wanted me to do for him. So I was furious that he forgot. Or perhaps remembered, and worse yet, couldn’t be bothered to wish me happy birthday. So enough was enough.

In the near three years since we reconnected, our friendship was always on his terms. In the beginning when he wanted to flirt, he was clearly in the driver’s seat. Then, when he backed off, I was upset but I eventually came around after an extended break and was adult about the situation. But it all just seem to be one compromise after another on my part. I even fell back into line earlier this year when he told me he loved me but in the same breathe started talking about other women. I was upset that he would make such a declaration and not realise the kind of effect it would have on me. Perhaps I had hoped that when he finally expressed what he was truly feeling, he would take things seriously. Also that he would genuinely do more for me; just like I’d been doing more for him. Particularly last year when things weren’t so great on the job front. But that wasn’t to be and truthfully I felt terrible let down.

I should mention that Basherter was here in London a few months ago. We had a near Before Sunrise experience. Basically, we spent a whole day walking around London and talking. We both were able to properly look each other in the eye and express what we were feeling. And I thought we had an understanding that moving forward, our friendship would be built on mutual respect. Plus there would be give and take both ways. But in the end, it was all the same. That said, I can’t really be mad at him. He showed his true colours from the beginning. And I was the one that continually made the choice to fall back in line, even though each time I just wanted to run away and put it all behind me.

So what does the future hold for us? Well I’ve cut off communication. Will that change in the future? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t ever want to invest so much time and emotional energy into a man who is just a friend. It simply doesn’t work for me. It never has and never will. So I need to stay principled and not compromise. I deserve better.

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