Intellectual Intercourse

Confession! I miss Basherter. A lot!

I haven’t spoken to him in 14 days and I feel like I have had a limb cut off. Sometimes there is a tightness in my chest and I can’t breathe. But thankfully after a few minutes the moment passes and life goes on.

So why am I missing him so much? Well we developed a bond these past 8 months and it went way beyond sexual attraction. We would talk about almost anything and he would always answer my questions with enthusiam and without hesitation.

Sometimes when we were conversing, hours would pass and it felt like minutes. It all happened with such ease. And for me, it was intellectual intercourse – something I hadn’t had in a long, long time with a man. He was (is) a kindred spirit!

That is perhaps why I got things all confused in my head and couldn’t put him back in the friend box even though I was desperately trying to as I agreed with the reasons – really REASON for us not exploring a romantic relationship. Heck, I’m grateful to him for being the sensible one and not letting things run away into dream land.

So now there are moments when I feel gloomy because he’s not there for me to talk to or consult with. I wonder how the project is going. I want input on my own project but I resist the urge to reach out because more time is needed.

How long I’m not so sure. But I don’t expect to hear from him. After all, I’m the one that said I “couldn’t do this anymore.” Also I stopped being available for chat on Skype. Will he be there when I get back? I hope so, but it’s perhaps just my wishful thinking.

So it is what it is! I know that any attempts to re-establish the friendship will need to come from me and while he’s said his friendship remains open to me, who knows what will happen when I reach out to him.

Hopefully he will be receptive, but only time will tell.

And oh yeah, for those of you wondering – well what about RacquetBallGuy? Well I haven’t heard from him either, and if I’m really honest, can’t say I’m missing him. I am use to his disappearing act. It’s one of the main reasons why I have such doubts that we will ever live happily ever after.

When things get difficult or there is a disagreement, he retreats. Perhaps he thinks he’s giving me time to think through it all. But really, two weeks of no contact?

If he was finally serious about giving me that which I truly desired, after a few days perhaps, he would have made an attempt to get in touch letting me know that it Is going to be ok. That he understands. Or even if he didn’t understand, he was trying to understand.

But that hasn’t happened here and so really, it just shows me that nothing has changed and once again I can’t really count on him and for that reason I just wish he would disappear permanently.

I am tired of him talking the talk but not walking the walk. I am tired of the drama and the craziness. I just want it to end.

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