Ursula's Not So Secret History

With God's help, next Saturday I will be successful in my attempt to summit Ben Nevis the highest mountain in Scotland and really the entire British Isles. I'm nervous but extremely excited. Particularly as after last year's summit of Snowdon the highest mountain in Wales, I wanted to climb even further heights. With elevation of 4,409 feet, this definitely is higher plus weather condition will be more extreme. We will most likely encounter rain, gail force winds and snow near the top. Thankfully, I already own gear to make the climb comfortable so definitely looking forward to heading on out and up.

This video about a 9 year old boy who created a complete arcade from cardboard boxes is a reminder to self to better use the resources around me. And so instead of thinking, if only I had XYZ, I need to look closer at what I have and think of how they can be used differently. As this video demonstrates, anything is possible will a bit of imagination.

For more information about Caine's Arcade, you can visit his Internet site.

Life is a roller coaster. On the personal as well as professional front, there are ups and then there are downs. During the down periods, I often spend time reflecting but also seeking inspiration from people I admire. One such person is Nelson Mandela. To think how he suffered such hardship for near 30 years as a prisoner in Robben Island but yet came out and was so gracious and lived an even more purposeful life. Truly inspiring and a reminder to self that I need to keep pressing ahead and even step up my game. I am capable of so much more so enough with the limiting beliefs.

Last year I applied for London 2012 Olympic tickets. I figured I'd never again live in a city with the Olympics and so wanted to attend a few of the events. And as it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity, I was particularly keen to attend the opening or closing ceremony. Unfortunately, my bid was not successful with either event. Not surprising really as millions applied. Thus, after reading a news article which indicated that the organisers were looking for volunteer performers, I decided to apply. And luck would be on my side as not only was my application successful, but after two rounds of auditions, I was offered the position of volunteer performer at both opening and closing ceremonies. I have no idea what I'll be doing (and even if I knew couldn't share) but over the moon with excitement that I'll be in the stadium in the middle of the action for both events.

The book Go The Fuck To Sleep written by Adam Mansbach makes me almost grateful that I don't have children. It hilariously captures the frustrations many parents experience trying to get their young children to sleep each night. Here is audio version of the book narrated by Samuel Jackson.

I absolutely love this manifesto video created by Holstee. It is a call to action to live a life full of intention, creativity, passion, and community. So this speaks to me as for the last few years, I've been trying to do more of what I love. Also change what I don't like about myself or surroundings. Its not easy as personal and professional pressures often come bearing down, but trying to stay true to self as know this will get my closer to my ultimate destiny. And really, life is too short to be not following this path.

One of the biggest regrets surrounding my mother's death, is that I didn't take part in her funeral service. Truth be told by the time she died, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I just let others take over. All my effort the proceeding months had been consumed with trying to keep her alive, to get her on a path to remission, that when the end came, I had nothing left.

But I really do wish I had said something during the service. Even if it was just to read a poem. The one that comes to mind time and time again, when I think about my mother is Phenomenal Woman by Dr. Maya Angelou. Now I'm sure some will say it's not appropriate for a funeral -- but I suppose I want to remember my mother in better days. She was a great source of strength. Anyway, below is audio of me reading this poem last year.

It's been eighteen years today since I held my mother's hands as she took her last breath. Eighteen years since I heard her say her final words: "God is good." Eighteen years since I picked up the bible as I heard the death rattle and read to her the Book of Psalms.

And after all these years, it's suppose to be easier. I'm not suppose to cry or even be angry because there has been enough time to bring about acceptance of it all. But I don't know -- it just all still seems so unfair that she was taken from me, my sister, the rest of the family and really the world all too soon.

So I trust that God will soon enough reveal to me his master plan because if I'm honest, after all these years, I don't know and I'm tired - really bushed. I'm tired that I've had to be so brave. I'm tired that I walk this earth alone. Sure there are people around me who love me, but without my mother's love and guidance, life just seems empty.

Christ! Is this too much truth? Maybe! But it's still what I'm feeling. It's all real and whereas I may have forgotten what happened to me last year, I remember every little detail surrounding my mother's death. I can't shake it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to.

Interestingly, when I saw the psychic last fall, my mother came through in the reading. This stranger, who didn't know me, was able to reveal to me in great detail the circumstances surrounding my mother's death -- all in a matter of minutes. Furthermore, she went on to tell me that Mom was looking down on me being my guardian angel guiding me in the right direction and so I'm grateful for that. Also, that she is surrounded by family and friends who are all supportive and loving to her.

So yeah, while I hope to walk this earth for another fifty years at least, I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to the day when I would see her in the afterlife. I have to believe that this is possible as there is still so much to say and share. I have to believe as I know this pain inside me won't go away until I hold her hands again.

So last Saturday I went on a date. The first for the year -- well really a few months. So how did I meet my date, now to be known as CollegeTutor? Well, via a Internet dating site. The fact is that I just don't meet a lot of men as I go about my daily routine. Heck, men don't even really flirt with me via Facebook where I have over 900 friends. The ones that have a crush, admire from afar. And so while a dating site is not ideal, I decided to throw it in the mix - again!

So I've been on the site for a few weeks and trying to make the effort to engage. It's not easy! Why? Well, as much as I'd like to meet and settle down, the work - and let's not kid ourselves it is WORK - involved to make it happen, just doesn't excite me.

Meaning, I want to get to the stage where I've met the person and there is no doubt that we are a match. However, all the work that comes before that just seems like too much. Plus there is/was Basherter. For much of last year, I couldn't shake the desire to be with him even though I know it's not practical -- the heart wants what the heart wants. So it took awhile to get to the acceptance stage, but I'm finally there. This didn't come easy as it truly is a complex situation.

Anyway, back to the dating site. CollegeTutor initiated contact a few weeks ago and we communicated via the site and then eventually via the phone. He seemed normal and so agreed to go on a date with him. However it didn't happen for about two weeks due to schedule conflicts.

Now I'm not normally busy on the weekends (my couch is my best friend!) but I had both professional and personal commitments so I deferred - also I wanted to lose a few pounds. Anyway, we meet up and while he felt sparks, I felt nothing. I really tried. Despite that, I perhaps would have gone out on a second date just to make sure but then he exhibited some stalking behaviour.

He called, texted and emailed the night of the day. He didn't allow me time to respond and so it all sort of freaked me out. So as the sparks weren't there, I just thought why bother! Plus, while I like a man who shows his hand, he was perhaps a bit too eager. So I just let it go. I did so too because he didn't exactly match up to what the psychic told me about my future partner. Is this a fool's strategy? Perhaps, but I need to be patient. I can't just jump into a relationship with someone because they are keen. The attraction, chemistry and compatibility needs to be both ways. Otherwise, there will be continual doubt and we all know where that got me the last time - remember MrFixItGuy? Well he is stalking me. Not aggressively - just every few months he phones or sends a text message to see if I'll engage. But really, I never will again because with him I'm enforcing the NO CONTACT RULE. I know he wants to be with me, and so we can't ever really go back to being friends.

But back to the dating site. I'm optimistic and really the whole experience with CollegeTutor has made me more confident that men really do find me attractive. I know I shouldn't have doubt on this, but when you've been single as long as I have, it's difficult. That all being said, I do think that 2012 is going to be my year to meet some who can go the distance. SO I remain faith and comforted that my destiny will be soon revealed. I just perhaps need to go on a few more dates before it all happens.

Want to figure out a Londoner? Then according to a recent New York Times article, you can make a snap judgement by the newspaper he or she is reading. Specifically:

The Daily Telegraph
Older conservatives who mourn the loss of the empire by placing cricket before family. Last truly happy on D-Day.

The Guardian (or The Observer on Sundays)
Bikram-practicing middle-class liberals preoccupied with ending all wars and rolling their own cigarettes.

The Times of London
Definitely a member of the political and corporate elite; fancies him-or herself as tolerant; has zero middle-class friends.

The Independent
Slightly depressed and overeducated underachievers who are really worried about the environment.

The Daily Mail
Middle-class housewives who live in fear of rising house prices, Elton John and Gypsies. Loves: Lady Thatcher, talented-pet stories and George Clooney.

The Daily Express
Intolerant, easily outraged and yet to recover from Lady Diana's death. Constant fear of terrorist attack is blunted by gin and reality TV.

The Daily Mirror
A really great night out starts with binge drinking at the greyhound track.

The Sun
Beloved by working-class conservatives eager to read a tabloid that goes for the jugular whether the topic is politics, soccer or topless women.

So does this hold up with me? Well I purchase the sunday edition of the The Times of London quite regularly. And before they started charging, I would read it online pretty much every day! It was without a doubt, my paper of choice. Now I read The Guardian daily online. So am I middle class and preoccupied with ending all wars? Yes to some degree. But due to previous yoga injury I'm none practicing and oh yeah, I don' t smoke. So only partly right. Of course, I'm not a proper Londoner. But then, very few people who live in London are actually from London which is why it makes it so difficult to figure people out!